Angela's Right

It's Football Season again!!

2011-09-07T11:16:00.000-06:00

What I love about football is that you can talk to the most random people about football. I love that fact. I love that fact that people will spew facts at you from a game play in the last decade...its great. I love that everyone has an opinion about football or a player or a coach or the franchise itself. I love the charaters that come out and watch the drama of it all upfold...its amazing. Who is going to be the stating quarterback, who got traded, who got injured and who got a new big $$$ contract!! Its interesting. So, yeah baby...I am back in the thick of it!! Can't wait for Sunday!!

Healthcare Reform Threats! Ugh! NO WAIT...I wanna to read it first!!

2010-02-25T17:07:00.003-07:00

What is up with Obama threatening to push a healthcare reform bill through?

"Obama strongly suggested that Democrats will try to pass a sweeping overhaul without GOP support, by using controversial Senate budget rules that would disallow filibusters. And then, he said, this fall's elections would write the verdict on who was right.".

HUH??? So, Obama is going to use some controversial rule so he can get his bill passed? And the if its' right ...you will see it in the vote?? Does anyone believe that in six months to a year we are going to know the long term effects of this bill?

I am not here to diss the President...I just think that the American people should know more about this bill and what is in it. I don't think I am ignorant & I would like it to read like my health policy I have now. So, I can read it and compare it and actually see if it makes sense...right now I pay about $8,000 a year for medical/dental care plus copays, prescriptions ect...and if I have to pay more...ugh. And I have HEALTH INSURANCE!!! And I believe I am lucky.

Suggestions? Help?

What is wrong with America?

2010-02-17T10:45:00.003-07:00

What is wrong with America? I can't figure it out.

But, what I do wonder about...is why aren't we spending more on the education for our children? We are so worried that everyone get a "fair" education that many students who are average or above average get the short end of the stick. It truly bothers me. Either the money goes to help the lowest of low or the supreme...but what about the middle?

And then I ask...why is the middle class losing ground?? Hmmmm...we are the middle....I don't know if I make sense but the middle is falling out of this country...

Questions? Suggestions??

My Review of Mini Crystal Christmas Trees

2009-12-04T13:12:00.001-07:00

Originally submitted at Beaucoup

Mini glass Christmas trees complete with tiny glass ornaments for dazzling holiday table decorations and bridal party gifts for winter weddings.

Delicate Delight

By Angela from Salt Lake City on 12/4/2009

Pros: Easy To Store, Classic, Attractive, Easy To Set Up, Festive

Best Uses: Gift, Parties, Decoration

Describe Yourself: Budget Oriented, Quality Oriented

Perfect for a hostess gift or company gift

(legalese)

2009-09-09T15:42:00.002-06:00

It is a bright sunny day for September. I reflect on ALL the football that is coming up this weekend and season for that matter and rub my hands together in anticipation!!

I can't wait to see BYU play Tulane...and hope they haven't been reading their press. I am looking forward to how it will all really fall out in the BCS....does the Mountain West Team have a chance at a National Championship?? Dunno know...it is too early to tell but it will be fun to watch!!

I have been looking forward to watching Tony, Big Ben, Payton Manning & Money Manning. It should be an interesting season, with Farve back again. I will miss watching Tony throw to T.O., I am interested in my 49ers...I still have hope that they will improve this year. I wanna see the Chargers goooooooo! I don't really love 'em but what the heck.

I am excited that I am going to Houston see the Houston Texans play. It will be my FIRST NFL game ever...it will be so exciting to be in that moment but for now:

Here it comes!! NFL/College Football Season!! So Happy! FOR REAL

2009-07-23T14:55:00.004-06:00

Walter L. Cronkite, Jr.
November 4, 1916 – July 17, 2009

Cronkite's farewell statement:

“ This is my last broadcast as the anchorman of The CBS Evening News; for me, it's a moment for which I long have planned, but which, nevertheless, comes with some sadness. For almost two decades, after all, we've been meeting like this in the evenings, and I'll miss that. But those who have made anything of this departure, I'm afraid have made too much. This is but a transition, a passing of the baton. A great broadcaster and gentleman, Doug Edwards, preceded me in this job, and another, Dan Rather, will follow. And anyway, the person who sits here is but the most conspicuous member of a superb team of journalists; writers, reporters, editors, producers, and none of that will change. Furthermore, I'm not even going away! I'll be back from time to time with special news reports and documentaries, and, beginning in June, every week, with our science program, Universe. Old anchormen, you see, don't fade away; they just keep coming back for more. And that's the way it is: Friday, March 6, 1981. I'll be away on assignment, and Dan Rather will be sitting in here for the next few years. Good night."

May your new journey be fruitful!

It's Monday

2009-06-29T15:32:00.003-06:00

So, I am at work...having a blast. Running here and there. The weather is gorgeous. I have 2 days until I am on lake...lounging in the sun, waterskiing and playing with kids. I can't wait. I definitely have short-timers and can't concentrate on any one thing for too long...anyway, it's sunny and I can't wait to get outside!!

Worry

2009-06-02T14:23:00.003-06:00

I worry. I keeps me up in the middle of the night. I worry about work, I worry about my kids, I worry that I can't do everything. If I spent as much time not worrying and doing...perhaps I wouldn't worry so much. It's a vicious cycle. I use to listen to my old boss tell me about how she would wake up in the middle of the night and work in her head and how it drove her crazy. I couldn't understand why she couldn't just close her eyes and go back to sleep. And now, I face the same thing. I wonder if it is age...the older you get the worse you sleep...the older you get...the more stress/responsibility you have. I wonder.

Monday

2009-04-20T16:05:00.002-06:00

So...I wondered why I still have an account. I haven't posted in forever.

I wonder what I should talk about?

Sports...the obsession of the hour.

This weekend I watched Wasatch Rugby Club of Murray win and alsowatched the bloody flow.
From ears being almost ripped off,
bloody noses
and heads being split open...what an eventful day.

I was just glad that it wasn't my son getting hurt. Soccer...ugh...my son's team sucks...or should I say still sucks...he hasn't played for 1.5 yrs but decided to play spring season to get into better shape...not that he isn't but for more endurance and speed.

Anyway, love to watch these boys play sports. It is amazing how they use their bodies,minds & hearts to win...and lose too. What a great time to be a kid.

2008-08-27T16:14:00.002-06:00

YEAH!!! The football is almost here. I have to admit that I have not been watching preseason at all. But, can't wait until the pools start and I can start making picks and watching football!! It is going to be fun. I am not such a newbie anymore so I know more of the QB,WR, DE, TE & RB so...it will be fun.

My favorite teams:
1. San Francisco 49ers (DON'T give me grief...I know Joe, Jerry & Steve aren't around but got to give 'em some love)
2. Philadelphia Eagles - just cuz...I liked how they played at the end of the yr last yer.
3. Minnesota Vikings - I Miss Fran (LOL)
4. Seattle Seahawk - hmmmm use to live there
5. New York Giants - I like the underdog and Eli is interesting to watch
6. New Orleans Saints - Shockey
7. Dallas Cowboys - Loved since I was a kid...

Happy Thursday!

2008-06-12T11:57:00.001-06:00

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday...it mean jeans and flips at work. It means that I can sleep in until 8A on Saturday. It means that I get paid which is always awesome!! I means that I get to cuddle on the couch with my husband. It means I get to see Seth go and volunteer and Intermountain Healthcare Center which is close to our home. I am happy that today is Thursday!!

TGIF

2008-04-18T10:39:00.003-06:00

I am so happy the weekend it here. It means getting up early because I want to instead of because I have to.

Weekend plans:
Sell T-shirt the MURRAY RUGBY CLUB
www.murrayrugby.com
(my husband is the Head Coach)

Sponsor a barbecue for a new Rugby Club - Cache Valley.

Weed, Weed, & weed all of the planting beds in my yard.
Plant perennials & bushes.

Enjoy my family!

Should be fun!!

Wednesday's Gratitude List

2008-04-02T16:22:00.002-06:00

1. For good college teachers - who teach instead of be full of themselves
2. For good friends - who remind me that I am only Human!
3. For good running shoes - so my knees don't hurt
4. For Guitar Hero III - Quality "playtime" with my Son
5. For Nordstroms - love their spring/summer shoes!

Wednesday's Gratitude List

2008-03-26T10:00:00.002-06:00

1. All of the tulip & daffodil flowers in the yard

2. Longboards

3. My Gold Gym's membership

4. The Atonement

5. Spring is HERE!!

Wednesday's Gratitude List

2008-03-19T11:51:00.003-06:00

1. Cute Zaida - pictured here

2. Great Friends - Angie, Jennie & Carolyn

3. That spring is poking its head out

4. Good historical books

5. Ben - he loves me

“4 Minutes to Save the World”

2008-03-18T13:36:00.005-06:00

Negative: I just want to say that I heard this song on the radio today. I really thought it kinda wasn't all that good. It sounded flat and almsot boring. Anyway, for all of Madonna's and Justin's talent well, I expected something SMASHINGLY AWESOME!!

Positive: Madonna looks hot and she's turning 50! Kuddos!

Long Time

2008-03-12T13:48:00.002-06:00

It has been a long time since I blogged. I have had many things happen since I last posted.

ONE - Nominated to be President of Murray Max Soccer Club. It was definitely an honor. I hope they approve the nomination. It will be fun and good to learn more about operating a non-profit organization.

TWO - Kids are doing good. My daughter moved out after she turned 18 and is living with her father. She is learning that she has to fend for herself and be responsible. On one hand she is doing a good job but on the other...still caught up with people who are pretty much duds. My son quit soccer which is ironic now that I have been nominated for President but he has taken up Rugby. So, we will see how that goes.

THREE - Renewed effort to work out and eat healthy. I get so busy with life that I forgot to take care of myself so I have made it a priority. I am turning 40 and want to look good and feel good. Besides with the being in the public eye more...I want to be attractive...first inmpressions always are important.

FOUR - It is finally getting to be spring so I can't wait to get to get outside more and of course, the yard and gardens. I want them to look as great as possible. A secret garden in the middle of the city; a place to go and relax and see beauty all around me.

FIVE - Try to be more active with my blog. I would like to add pictures and other things so that it is interesting to everyone when they stop by.

That is it for now...

November Wrappin It Up

2007-12-05T16:34:00.000-07:00

November Wraps

Seth's football ended. They were robbed of the Championship but it was a great year and the team went 11-1.

School - I learned that WWI was really terrible. AS IN - the conditions that the troops had to endure. First use of chemical warfare, the use of the tank, & planes in a War. I would like to nickname it the Trench War....

Work - Took on 2 projects for another market. It adds stress to my job. So, I just try to take it day by day. Let's hope I can keep up the good work.

Thanksgiving - Went to the Relatives...it was nice. I still managed to cook a turkey, rolls & 2 pies. We don't get leftovers so...I made leftovers for the Thanksgiving weekend. I just wish that I could get the whole Turkey gravy down...that is all that is missing.

BEST THING IN NOVEMBER: BYU FOOTBALL WON UNIVERSITY OF UTAH FOOTBALL AT HOME IN LAVELL EDWARDS STADIUM!!! Seth was there with his Uncle Corey so it was special.

Award Winning Me!!

2007-09-18T08:59:00.000-06:00

I usually don't toot my own horn but I am pleased to announce that I won an award!!
Oustanding Volunteer Award for my work with my son's soccer club. I haven't ever won an award before that I can remember. So, for me...it was really cool. I didn't have anyone there with me which was sad but oh well...Anyway, kudos to myself.

9/11 Tribute - The Story of Sean

2007-09-11T16:04:00.000-06:00

God Bless All Those Who Lost Loved Ones on this terrible day in American History...

The Story of Sean

"RTG wrote The Story of Sean for a 4th of July post a couple years back. It's the single most moving account of 9/11 that I've ever read" ....You can get the link to this page at: http://rightthinkinggirl.com/ (sorry, I still haven't figured out to link stuff)

Sean woke up that morning at seven o'clock. His son and his wife continued to sleep while he got up, brushed his teeth, and took a shower. As he shut off the shower, his wife's alarm started beeping. Her routine was to get up, put on her robe, and go into their son's room to wake M. M was three years old, a perfect blue-eyed little boy who was the center of his parent's life. Strictly speaking, he did not have to get up that early. The nanny would arrive at a 7:30, but Sean and his wife liked to share breakfast with M before work.

Coming out of the restroom, he could hear her across the hall, and M whining a little. His wife came back into the sleeping suite, put M on the bed so Sean could talk to him, and went in to take a shower. It was a familiar, comforting routine, one done for a thousand days - ever since M was born. M sleepily sucked his thumb while Sean put on his suit. That morning he chose a nice Brooks Brothers suit -charcoal grey, a fresh white button-down, and a sky-blue tie that his wife would tell him "brought out his eyes." While he tied the knot of his tie, he could hear the water in the bathroom stop, and hear the shower door open.

Sean took M into the kitchen and started making coffee. While the coffee dripped, he took M back into his room and dressed him. Coming out of M's room, his wife asked him a question about work. They both worked for the same company, in different divisions. He worked in the North Tower, she worked in the South. Sean held M and talked briefly about work while his wife adjusted her clothing. She was a typical New York woman who loved fashion. She had meetings planned in the afternoon and had chosen a dove gray pantsuit with a white shirt. It was new. That weekend, she'd gone shopping at Barney's and had bought herself a designer suit. It looked perfect on her.

She was barefoot, and her hair was pinned up - still not dry - as she breezed by them, kissed M and took the child from her husband. In the kitchen, Sean poured two cups of coffee, a cup of milk, and gave his son the milk and a banana. M's real breakfast was usually eggs or frozen waffles and was served at nine by the nanny. This meal was primarily an opportunity for the small family to connect before the day would separate them.

Sean's wife cooed over their son, asking if the banana tasted good, and asking what animals ate bananas. "Monkeys and me!" was his reply.
After the coffee, she jumped up, went back to the bathroom to dry out her hair and put on her makeup. The nanny came at eight, and Sean let her take M back to bed. He went into the bathroom just as his wife came out shaking her hair, and trying to choose shoes. "We're running late-ish," Sean informed her.
She grabbed her jacket, walked across the hall to say hi to the nanny and to kiss her son. M was still awake, and said bye-bye. She kissed his cheek, told the nanny to have a good day, and said she'd see them at six.
Sean and his wife arrived at the WTC at 8:20am. They normally had lunch together but his wife wasn't sure about her afternoon schedule and told Sean to call her at 11. Sean went to the North Tower. His wife went to the South.
Normally Sean was not hungry when he just woke up. He'd drink the coffee but he couldn't eat that early. What he did was, he'd go downstairs to get a cup of coffee and something to nibble on then be back at his desk by the time the markets opened. That day, he turned on his computer and began downloading his email. He read a message from a coworker that had been sent last night and marked urgent. It was about somebody's birthday celebration. He decided all of it could wait, and pushed away from his desk. He grabbed his cell phone and left to get breakfast.
He went from his office on the 104th floor a quarter-mile downstairs to a delicatessen and bought himself a bagel and coffee. His credit card receipt - he'd forgotten to get cash - shows that the purchase took place at 8:44am Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

He was standing in the lobby when the airplane hit. He did not feel it or see it or hear it. With others in the lobby, he got into an elevator car and rode up. At the 78th floor Sky Lobby, he got out to switch elevators. The elevators were running very slow. Sean impatiently waited, feeling the urgency to get back to his desk so he could be there when the markets opened. His phone rang. He set his coffee down on the top of a brushed aluminum trash can, and fished in his pocket for the phone. His wife's number flashed on the screen.

"Hey," he said. Just then, he saw somebody he knew step off the elevator.
"I'll call you back," he said, and hung up. The fellow bond-trader said, "Don't go back up. There's been a bomb."
"What?"
Sean's phone rang again. The wife. He told his friend, "Just a sec," and he answered the phone. "What's up?"
"One of the girls here says that your building was just hit by a plane."
He turned to his friend and said, "Could it have been a plane?"
"Sean!" His wife snapped.
"Yes?"
"Your building is on fire. Valerie said it hit in the upper floors, like where you work."
"I'll find out," Sean said. "Let me call you right back."
"I don't know what it was," his friend said. "I'm just getting the hell out of Dodge. Were you here in '93? It took ten hours to evacuate. I'm outta here."
His friend, perhaps one of the first to realize the danger they were in, left. Sean dialed his boss, who did not answer the phone. He dialed his secretary, and she didn't answer either.

Around him, people began to get word of an explosion in the upper floors. Momentum was gathering, a buzz-saw of expectation and questions, rumors that went from the explosion being a bomb to an airplane to an exploded transformer.

It had been about three minutes since American Airlines Flight 11 crashed into the North Tower. Later, Sean would discover that the airplane had literally flown right through his office. But at that moment he knew nothing of the kind.
He decided he wasn't going to take any chances. Once decided, it was as if the whole situation had become immediately clear to him, just how much danger he was in. He got back on the down elevator. He called his wife. She didn't answer at her desk, so he tried her cell.
"Oh my God, your office is burning," she answered. She told him she was in a different office, one where she could see his building.
"I'm leaving," he said. "Meet me outside somewhere."
"I have meetings," she answered almost robotically.
"I don't like this at all," he said. "I'm coming over to get you."
"Sean, no, I'm fine. I hope everybody's okay in your office..."
The elevator stopped at the 45th floor. It swung on its cables like a pendulum back and forth. The doors didn't open. The car ascended one level. Sean looked at the others in the elevator. Faces were a little anxious but nobody was panicking yet. If he understood the situation that was going on sixty floors above, something else was gnawing at him now: an idea of just how much damage the explosion had caused. The elevator began to descend again.
"Get out," he ordered his wife on the phone. "Get out of the building."
"Sean.... no."
It went back and forth like that until Sean reached the lobby. His wife was saying, "I think we're okay," when he heard a crash on the other end of the phone. "Oh God," his wife said and then there was nothing.
Confetti was falling from the sky. Papers flew in the sky like a ticker tape parade. Some of it was burned, the edges black but the body of the financial statements or per diem requests still perfectly in tact. For whatever reason, Sean grabbed one of the papers and folded it and put it in his pocket. Later he would recognize it as something he had been working on.

Outside the lobby on West Street, firemen were staging up to go inside his building. He grabbed one and asked, "Was it a bomb?"
The fireman answered, "Nope, it was a 747."
From the street, facing both buildings, his wife's building would have been on the right, rising high above the Marriott Hotel where they sometimes met for after-work drinks with their officemates.
Sean called his wife again. "There's a fire," she said immediately.
Sean exhaled. She was alive. "Okay, can you get out?"
"I don't think so," she said. "We're trying."
"Who are you with?"
She rattled off three names. Names that Sean knew - names of people that Sean and his wife had dinner with, whose kids were sometimes playdates for little M.
"There are firemen down here," he said absently. They were in fact everywhere. Police too. And he was standing there on West Street in the middle of it all, trying to figure out what does one do when one's wife is trapped on the 85th floor of a burning building. There was an impulse to try and go inside the tower, find her, and bring her out but Sean did not know which office she was in, or where the fire was located. She said, "I will call you back," and hung up.

Sean called his boss again and the phone didn't ring so he dialed his boss's cell phone, and when he didn't get an answer he left a voicemail. He then called his secretary, and a few more people he had seen just that morning at their desks. Nobody was answering. He left voicemails with a perpetually growing sick feeling in his stomach.

His phone rang. His home number flashed on the screen. "Oh thank God!" the nanny wailed. "I just saw it on the news!"
Sean still hadn't had any confirmation that it was an airplane. The fireman had said so but it seemed so unreal. In a daze, he said, "What happened?"
"An airplane crashed into one of the towers and I was watching it on the tv and as I was watching it, another airplane crashed into the other building! On live tv!"
"Okay, I have to call you back. Is M okay?"
"He's fine. He's asleep. I was going to wake him at nine but this happened and ...."
"Let him get some extra sleep," Sean said. Then after a promise to call her back in an hour, he hung up.

People were starting to jump from the buildings. A flash of white dropped in his peripheral vision, and then he was aware of something slamming into the street. It exploded on impact. He didn't make the connection until later that it was a person. It didn't look or act like a person. But it was a person.

He called his wife's phone again. He described her voice as "wrought". She had come to some understanding that the situation was serious, that she was, in fact, trapped. His wife told him that she had run through the offices, trying to find a way out but the stairs and elevators were blocked and now the walls were on fire and the situation was dire. Somebody was trying to open a window. "No!" she yelled. There had been some debate about that. She didn't want the windows open because the fresh air would feed the flames. Others were starting to choke on the smoke and were desperate for fresh air. She'd ripped off her cute Barney's jacket, doused it with a bottle of Evian that she kept in her desk, and was breathing through that. "Listen to me," she said. "Tell M..."
"No! That is bullshit. You're not going to do this," Sean snapped.
"Sean, I am burning up. Please let me talk."
Sean was quiet.
"Tell M that I love him. Tell mom and dad that I love them. And remember that I love you. I want you to be happy. I'll still try to get out, but if I don't, please just know I love you. I want you to be happy, and you're the type who needs a wife ---"

"I need you."
"....So please find somebody to make you happy, somebody who is good for M."
"Baby, please..."
"I have to go. I love you. I'll call again if I can. I love you. Bye."
The line disconnected.
What the hell was that? Was that goodbye?
He looked up at his wife's building, trying to detect her in the perfect silver rectangle windows. A perfect silver tower. A twin.

And it started to crumble. Right before his eyes it started to sink in on itself. Pancake was the word that would be used to describe it. His wife, somewhere in the middle-top of the building - was in the building, alive as far as he knew, as the building began to slide. A colossal plume of filthy gray smoke rose up, engulfing entire city blocks. Sean saw an SUV parked on the street, and he ran to that, and dived in his nice charcoal Brooks Brothers suit under the SUV. He put his arms over his head, his face pressed to the asphalt.

It was loud. The worst rainstorm ever, screaming and blotting out everything else, even the fear of being swept away in it. Objects pounded the SUV for what seemed like hours. Wind blew fiercely by the tires. He kept his eyes closed, and held on tight.

After the storm quieted, Sean rolled out from under the vehicle and looked at his changed world. There was nothing around him that he recognized. He was knee deep in debris. The air was swirling with dust and miasma.

The cell phone was still in his hand. He hit redial. His wife's voicemail greeting came on. He cut the connection and put the phone in his pocket. People had been calling. Calls he hadn't taken, from his in-laws in Virginia, from his wife's sister in Boston, from friends.

In shock, Sean walked toward the wreckage. Police were yelling over the squawking radios. Firemen and rescue personnel were forcing him back. Sean could not leave, so he simply stood there, looking up at his own building. Firemen were filing out of the lobbies with people. He walked around to the corner of Vesey and Church where the police command was. A policeman looked at him and Sean looked back evenly. Not a question, not a demand, just a shared look. Sean's phone rang. It was the wife of one of his coworkers. She burst into tears as soon as she heard his voice. "Is John alive?" she asked through her sobs. "I can't reach ..."
"I don't know," he replied.
"You have to call Howard," she said. Howard Lutnick, the CEO of Cantor.
Sean didn't understand what the woman was trying to say and he was too shocked to be of much help. He assured her he'd call if he saw John, and hung up.
His building came down. Falling away from an invisible spine, it slipped just as his wife's building had slipped. At some point he realized it was all over. His wife, his job, all of it was gone. His son was at home, but he could not go home, so he just walked around. The city of New York was covered in ash. It looked like nuclear war. At some point he saw a Ford Taurus that was covered with an inch of pure ash. It looked fresh as snow. With his finger, he wrote in the ash: "I AM ALIVE" and kept walking. He walked the streets like a homeless person, trying to figure out if he was really alive at all, or maybe this was death? Maybe he was a ghost. If he were dead, this was certainly hell.
Howard called his cell phone. Howard was sobbing. "I'm trying to... we have ten."
"Ten?"
"Ten people alive right now."
"Okay," Sean replied. What do you say to that? When you start the day out with your wife and your 300 best friends, and suddenly you have ten people alive. What can you say? Sean simply said okay to everything Howard said, and hung up.
The thing you must understand is that Cantor's policy was nepotism, nepotism, nepotism. They loved to hire brothers and sisters and best friends. Sean's best friend in college worked one floor below him. His best man at his wedding worked on the same floor. The friends were gone. The building was gone, as if it had been dreamed into place by the force of their friendship, and then vanished when the bonds erupted.

When there was nowhere left to walk, Sean staggered home. His parents, who lived in the city, had come over. When they saw him, they rushed to him, relieved and weeping, and after a moment asked the question he did not know how to answer: "Is she okay?" Sean shook his head, more to remove the question than to answer it, and walked back to his son's room. The nanny was playing with M. Sean picked up the boy and kissed him, holding his warm comforting weight in his arms. This is it, he wanted to tell his son. This is your first lesson in loss. This is your first quiet splintering. He gave his son back to the nanny and went into the bedroom. He got in the shower with his Brooks Brothers suit still on, and undressed as the water poured over him. After getting the grime off, he changed into jeans and a polo shirt, and some sneakers, and he told his parents he'd call later.

He walked back out to the frozen city. The buildings had crashed and there was no such thing as a wife anymore. No such thing as anything anymore. Where had his life gone? This morning was so ordinary and now it was ... He felt like he was dying. He thought of his wife and knew he wouldn't live through the night. After all, you can't live very long without a heart.

He taxied back to midtown Manhattan. It was the center of the universe that day. It was a black hole, with a gravitational pull that would not leave him. He knew there was nothing to do. He knew, on some level, that those words on the phone had been the very last. But there was a tiny flicker of hope, a little bit of hope that maybe when the building came down, she'd managed to somehow survive it.
He gave some blood for victims who never came to claim it.

Howard Lutnick talked to the families twice a day. He set up a suite of rooms for the employees of Cantor at the St Pierre Hotel. Nobody slept more than an hour or two a night, and everybody was losing weight. Sean who was a trim 185 pounds on 9/11 weighed in at 173 ten days later. Wives and husbands and families of the "assumed dead" hung around, begging for information about their loved ones. Sean found somebody from Carr Futures who had seen his wife that morning, but nobody saw her after 8:46am because she'd gone to somebody else's office to see the damage to the first tower.

Sean kept calling her cell phone just to hear her voicemail message. He posted flyers with her picture on surfaces all over the city. He knew she must be dead. If she were alive, she'd find a way out. She'd find a way to contact him. But he put her information up anyway, and after a while he accepted that it was a memorial, and not a plea for help. She was beyond help but she wasn't beyond memory. She never would be, for that matter.

Sean and his family and the dear friends of Cantor closed ranks. Sean, always intensely private, gave no sobbing interviews. He would not speak about anyone or to anyone but those whom he trusted. Instinct told him that to survive, he would have to grapple with the emotional fallout later. He had to take care of M and he had to help with the rescue mission of Cantor. There was some controversy when Howard Lutnick shut down the bank accounts and didn't distribute paychecks. Ever pragmatic, Sean understood the necessity. In order for the survivors to have a job to go back to, all the people who survived pulled together, sacrificed like they were a young Silicon Valley startup instead of one of the largest, most aggressive and prestigious bond trading firms in New York.

Sean did not sleep for four months. He worked, and he took care of M, and he visited the families of the dead. For over a year, he would attend ten funerals a week. He would coordinate with other survivors" if he couldn't attend, somebody else would go in his stead. And vise versa. If somebody couldn't make a funeral, they would ask Sean and Sean would go. No questions asked. There were weeks when he attended two or three funerals a day. Every day. Monday through Sunday. The tears never seemed to stop.

Sean didn't want a memorial service for his wife. He would wait, he decided. He wanted a body to bury. His in-laws agreed. His inlaws had temporarily moved from Virginia to one of Sean's guest bedrooms. Though they were present, Sean still had the nanny come over every day. It was important, he believed, to keep the pillars of normalcy as much as possible. Meanwhile, he moved through the days like a ghost on tv, taking care of M, trying to explain the situation to the three year old, trying to tell him that Mommy was in Heaven, and Mommy loved him very much. One afternoon he sat his son down at the kitchen table and gently said, "Tell me everything you remember about Mommy." And his son listed things, and Sean wrote them down. Mommy smells good. Mommy tickles my belly. Mommy sings "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Mommy is the prettiest lady in the whole wide world.

Cantor recovered. Sean recovered, as much as one can recover from something like that. Even M recovered. There are still little shocks in their lives, however, that bring them back to that day, remind them of the enormous loss that they suffered. In mid-2002 The authorities found some remains of his wife and a small memorial service was held for her in New York. Then in 2004 the NYC Medical Examiner called Sean and informed him that they'd discovered "some more of your wife's DNA." Without telling his son, he took the remains to his vacation home on Nantucket. He sailed his boat out to the deeper waters of the Atlantic and scattered her remains into the lufting Massachusetts wind and the eternal rolling ocean. When he got back to the vacation home that afternoon, he planted a tree in the backyard.

I met Sean when I needed him most. I think he needed me too. It was like two friends finding each other after a long separation. Despite the fact that we were jetting back and forth between New York and Washington, there was not a lot of excitement, which is exactly what we both needed. We both needed serenity and acceptance, a relationship built on the tenets of friendship and blameless, guiltless love. That is what we got. We talked about his wife often and I started to feel like we'd have been good friends, had I known her.

One afternoon in New York, Sean and I took M out to a small park. Sean sat on a bench in the shade while I pushed M on the swings. When he reached momentum, M turned to me and said, "You are nice. I think my mom would like you."

I had to look away. I didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes

New News

2007-08-28T09:24:00.000-06:00

Well, I have be absent for a while mostly because it has been summer and I am always running around having fun for the most part. Let's see what has been happening:

1. Trip to Florida - Yes, Disney World, Universal Studios, Sea Word and a trip to Daytona beach. It was fun and exhausting! We were lucky that most of the time it was overcast with a few showers. It was hot enough and to have the sun beating down would have made it unbearable for me.

2. Week at Lake Oconee...now that was awesome. The kids all got up on waterskiis this year so we spent more time boating and skiing. I came back with a killer tan and a much need attitude adjustment.

3. Weekend weddings. Mountain weddings rule. The 2 we attended we spent the weekend up in the mountains...nature is always great and helps one decompress and hiking gets out all those ugly toxins...plus, watching people you care about share vows and see the love is always beautiful.

4. Weekend Warrior Projets. Remodeled the bedroom, new paint, blinds and bedspread. I feel like I am at a retreat each night I come home to my lovely bedroom. Lots of yard work...new strawberry patch, pumkpin patch & tomatoe garden. Still lots of work to the old house but every project brightens my mood.

5. Soccer Tournament. It was fun and lots of hard work. I got to hang out with new friends, meet new people and watch the kids play soccer. I spent all day and early evening...setting up and taking down things. It was exhausting but I think our tournament turned out well and that the teams that came will come back next summer.

6. Football. My son decided to try out for football this year. I was surprised but encouraged him to try it. He made the A-Team!!(and a winning team) He is now a football player. (He is taking Fall soccer off but hasn't thrown in his cleats yet...he'll play Spring Soccer) So my night are full with football...I am glad school started now we are down to 3 nights instead of 5-6 nights. I'll keep you posted!

7. School. I am back in school after taking 7 months off to re-center my life and concentrate on my family. I am refreshed and ready to go! I am taking an American History class & Psychology...nice change from all of the Science classes.

I could go on but time is short. I have missed reading the blogs and hearing about everyone!

Soccer Blues

2007-06-08T15:46:00.000-06:00

Well, I pulled it off. Our 1st Annual Soccer Club Registration. In my mind it was a success. I won't lie and say there weren't a few glitches. I won't down play the fact that there were many who didn't like it or just wanted it their way but I there were those who liked it and it went well. I had a lot of help from people who supported what the Club was trying to do. It was a lot of stress and I worried too much. I am glad that it is over. I don't know if we will do it next but I am glad that I tried and that it was good thing for the Club.

My son did not make the soccer team that he wanted. I was more upset than him. I walked away upset and teary eyed. It is always hard to watch your kid work for something and come up short...but that is life. I really hope he decides to go try another sport because this one is pretty much dead for him now...there is even a bigger chance that he won't make the high school team.

I also had to come to grips that my Son isn't as competitive as I am nor does he really put in that extra effort to make it to the top. He just isn't made up that way I guess. To be honest, I am not surprised he didn't make it. We kept trying to get him to practice more and go to other tryouts to help him with the one he wanted and he wasn't willing. I didn't force him this time like I did last year so that is what he got. And I am afraid that there will be many more things that he will want and not recognize that a lot of effort and hard work are needed to get to the top. But, again, it may be the age, too. So young and stubborn. I hope for the best and maybe with maturity he will understand.

So, I am starting my hiatus away from soccer for a while. I need the emotional and mental break. I got to involved and my feelings were hurt by things I really shouldn't have take personally.

I did learn a lot from this. I hope I will take the lessons and change and grow. Life's path is full of perils and excitement. I just hope that the next few turns are not sharp and very dull.

Soccer...The Joys & Pains

2007-05-24T16:04:00.000-06:00

I am right in the middle of soccer tryouts. I am trying hard to watch and listen. I watch all these kids trying out for teams and my heart strings start tugging. I know that not all of them will make teams and I feel sad that not all will make a competitive team. It really sucks to be in my position. I sometimes wish that I didn't have this job with the Club. I am trying my best to do what is right for the Club and the kids. It is hard. There are so many politics going on and every team wants to do it "their" way. It is a mess.

I also am in charge of doing Club registration this year....meaning...all the teams need to come and register at the same time. Some don't like it. It may not work....but I am in charge. I am worried that it will fail in some ways. It is the first time we have done it this way. but, I have to try and I hope that it will work.

My own son is in a situation where he may not make a team or the best team. He has been on one of the crappiest teams in our Club. (that is why I got involved) This age group may go from 2 teams to 1 team. There is a big chance that he won't make the "A" Team...and if he doesn't then he won't have a team to go to. I gave him the choice again. He wants to try out for the "A" team. No other team or club will do for him. I am going to worry my head off for a week until his tryouts are done. I want to freak out and scream. But, I have to let my son grow up, make decisions and learn even it is the hard way. Do you know how hard that is for me? EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. I really want to say...I don't care what you want...You have to do it my way. But, I can't. I have to let him live and grow. It is like watching him learn to walk again...watching him fall, get up and try again...The joys and pains of parenthood.

2007-05-01T13:44:00.000-06:00

Today, I am bummed out. I can't get out of the dreariness that fills me. I don't feel good anymore. I try but I fail. I pick myself up and make another attempt at doing better only to fall off the wagon of positive living. I hate it. I just don't feel in control of my life anymore. My children scoff at me and won't listen to my words of encouragement, wisdom or just plain...doing what I ask of them. It defies my nature to let me fail...but kind of serious example am I?

I have this unfulfilled desire to be someone better than I am and I am downtrodden and full of bitterness with a sprinkle of shame that I can't get over the hump. It is like being on a treadmill...you keep going but really go nowhere. I just don't know what to do...

2007-04-27T15:04:00.000-06:00

I have been so remiss in updating my blog for a while. I have been challenged at work and haven't had a minute to update or write for a while. I feel bad about it, for myself mostly. But, I started this blog for ME anyway.

I am struggling a bit. Trying to stay on task at work, home and life. It has been difficult. I am not sure why. I am running about 14 miles a week. I am working furiously on a couple of volunteer projects. My last project was a big flop because no one really showed up...but, they missed out. It was a great presentation.

I hope my new projects do better. It is always hard to get people to volunteer. I don't know why but it is. You would think that if their children are involved they would want to be involved but they just want to give you a check and be on their way. Oh well, can't solve all the problems. I just have to do small steps...and this as the Soccer VP of Boys...well, registration and tryouts is all I can concentrate on. So, I am going to make it as awesome as possible.

Well...I gotta to run, see you in the blogdreams.

Jamaica

2007-03-27T11:37:00.000-06:00

So, I went to Jamaica. It was sweet! I had so much fun and I got a great tan.
I have island fever and want to go back to the islands as soon as I save enough to go!

Something New

2007-02-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

I am so anxiety ridden these days. I have to do something new and it is makes me nervous. I am worried that I won't succeed.

I am to chair a General Meeting for our Soccer Club. Our President is out of town because of a family emeregency so I am next in line as the VP of Boys. So, it my responsibility to run the meeting, field questions and to actually SPEAK in front of a large group. I am afriad that I will get the UMMMS...or start sweating...I hate it!! I have faith the Lord will help me through it.

This is my theory...I am going to act as if I have done this a million times and be positive and give out vibes on authority...like I know what I am talking about. I hope it works! I wish myself the best!!

Has it really been that long?

2007-02-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

I have been caught up in so many things...I just realized how long it has been since I posted anything.

I have been crazy lately. I have had these fits of anger..yelling and being angry...I have to shut myself up in my room and just get over it.

I was really upset with my Son....he told me that he thought it was okay for women in the military to go into combat. I had a fit and told him that I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. I was raised in the military and lived on bases on & off for the 1st 14 years of my life. I just don't believe women should fight in combat. I think it is genocide of sorts...but I felt really bad that he thought it was okay as long as it was their choice. I felt bad that I yelled at him but I can't help but wonder how he came by these opinions at 13 years old...I apologized to him and told him that I was wrong to get upset and that he had a right to his own opinion. But, geez...what has happened that women are no longer considered caretakers, molders, nuturers of children...instead now they are fighting battles. Yes, I know that women have been warriors through history...but it just shocked me that my Son had an opinion as strong as he did. I know he is growing up and developing his own thinking...I just hope that he will become more conservative as he marries and raises children....and doesn't send his daughters off to fight!

That's my thought for the day... as distracted and bizarre as it is.

Gratitude List

2007-01-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

1. My Job
2. Hope
3. World Wide Web
4. Humility
5. Knee pads
6. Newspapers
7. Cattle
8. Sushi
9. Perennial Flowers
10. Freedom

My Other Demon....

2007-01-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have been fighting the blues now for about 2 weeks. I called in sick this week twice. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I have decided not to go to school this semester because I am too stressed out. I feel my children need more of my attention and I need more attention. I am having a hard time at work, I quit smoking for the millionth time but when the stress increases I smoke and when was it this time?? Oh about Thanksgiving Day. Sad huh? Why? Because I hadn't smoked in over 16 months!! And then to pick it up again...pathetic.

My children absolutely hate it when I smoke so I usually hide it from them and everyone else (yes, a true closet smoker)...so after a hectic holiday season, I quit again. I am not sure if that is why I am depressed because truly smoking is one of my favorite things to do (I abhor to admit it because I KNOW how bad it is for you).

Don't misunderstand me, I hate smoking just as much as I love it...but my health is more important to me. I think of Peter Jennings..and I know I am going to die from smoking....but just how long do I have??? I do want to prolong the inevitable for as long as I can...so I haven't smoked since 12/29/06...the crazy thing is...it is the psychological addiction that is the hardest! Anyway, that is my story for the day.

Can't wait to break free of these blues!

2007-01-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

This blog was supposed to be my escape where I can say anything but I have felt less than good about what to write lately. I read other blogs that are thought-provoking words, humorous diatribes or beautiful poems...and I feel less than adequate at this thing anymore. I know in my head that I should not care what others think but it is so ingrained in me that I actually hesitate to write my true thoughts and feelings at times. I have to force myself to do it. It is stupid I know...truly. I wonder why I can't just free myself to express, to think, to dream or to want without the whisper of that voice within me that is Sister Doubt...She has lived with me for so long...I want to kick her out and be confident. I know I am smart, beautiful, kind-hearted, loving and have tons to offer. I think that it going to be my New's Resolution....TO BE ALL THAT I AM!

Gratitude List

2007-01-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

1. Snow falling softly on the ground.
2. My Beautiful children.
3. For the wonderful taste of apples, oranges, bananas & grapes.
4. Working out every day at lunch.
5. Hot black high heel boots.
6. My new Nano IPod.
7. That it is a new Year.
8. Lots of Vacation Time.
9. My Mom & StepDad will be here on Saturday.
10. Being able to earn extra cash cleaning condos during ski season.

White Christmas...

2006-12-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for the oldies...Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Nat King Cole and many others. When I was a young, I used to comb the TV guide for musicals and old movies from this era. I loved them. This is from the movie "Holiday Inn (1942)" Here is the timeless White Christmas song by the "Bing"...I hope you enjoy.

This is My Favorite Christmas Song

2006-12-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

What I am Thankful for....

2006-12-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

1. I am thankful that I am done with one more class.
2. I am thankful that I don't have to study for a month.
3. I am thankful that I have more time at home and with my family.
4. I am thankful that I have a new car that rocks.
5. I am thankful for the support I receive from my family and friends.
6. I am thankful for my warm bed.
7. I am thankful for to God for all that I have.
8. I am thankful for the blue sky above.
9. I am thankful for cell phones so I can keep track of my children.
10. I am thankful the spirit of Christmas that fills my heart.

Tuesday's Thoughts

2006-12-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

I love this time of Year. Christmas is a time of rejoicing, giving and being thankful.

A friend of mine told me that last week when it got really, really cold here for the first time that the homeless shelter had an extra 800 people show up that night. It left me feeling amazed and sad. It once again reminded me of how blessed that I am to have a warm home, a warm coat and a warm meal every night.

It inspired me to make a decision, I am making fleece blankets and taking them to the homeless shelter. I know that it isn't much. But, imagine if everyone did something small...it would end up being something really big.

So, I challenge anyone, to do something for someone else. Maybe it is just putting a couple of bucks in the Salvation Army bucket or donating some food to the local food bank or even just shoveling the old widow's driveway after a storm this season.

Do it. Feel it. Embrace it.

World AIDS Day - December 1st

2006-12-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

The HIV/AIDS epidemic continues to grow. Some 40 million people, their families, and their communities, are now living with HIV. Effectively tackling this epidemic remains one of the world's most pressing public health challenges.

This means every eight seconds somebody in the world is infected with HIV, resulting in 11,000 people becoming newly infected every day

Approximately 4.3 million became newly infected with HIV and 2.9 million died from AIDS-related illnesses in 2006

According to the World AIDS Campaign, sub-Saharan Africa remains the epicenter of the AIDS pandemic, but no country is unaffected, and incidence rates are rising in a number of developed countries

*India (5 million people affected - the largest number in any one country - the AIDS epidemic is fastest growing in Asia)

*Eastern Europe (many are IV drug users)

*USA (about 1 million people affected, 25 % don't know)

AIDs is 100% preventable.

Fighting Demons...I don't know who will win!!

2006-11-17T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have been fighting my demons this week. I want to hate, scream and do emotional damage to one particular person in my life. It isn't right, it isn't sane and it isn't what my Dad would want but I almost can't help it. I have images in mind that play like a movie...over and over again.

I have to see my Dad's widow tomorrow. She basically never let us back into our Father's house after he died. She is an evil person not to mention she is dishonest, without integrity and greedy. She has been holding our inheritance/will items hostage for over a year. So, now after attorneys, judges, the court system and the emotional rollcoaster ride (which is by far the worst) we are finally getting a portion of it because she stole and hid the rest.

I don't want to see her because I am afraid that I will freak out. That I will just tell her mean and petulant things...like..I hate you, you are ugly, you are the biggest fraud in the world...But, then I will have to hear evil spew from her. Do I want her words to echo in my mind for who knows how long? Absolutely not.

I feel like I need to take 3 or 4 Xanax to just be in the same place as her...so I don't go off. I am emotional...and when I am angry...I act like an idiot. I say and do things that later make me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I just don't know how I am going to control myself. I really don't. I am very worried about it. And honestly, I know that my Dad would completely disapprove of that type of behavior. In the past, he made me promise that I would treat that witch with respect and treat her kindly no matter what. And I have kept that promise but I just can't help but want to lash out at her just one time. I know it is illogical but I just can't let her walk away without screaming at her.....
"YOU ARE A TOTAL BE-OTCH!!"

Life...it keeps going

2006-11-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

This past week has been crazy! Lots of stress, Lots of happiness, Lots of Frustration, Lots of Rewards. So, I am glad that it is Friday and I can finally take a breath.

I am half way through physiology and glad. Only two more midterms until I am done! I have had a hard time concentrating this term, taking summer off made my brain lazy. So, it will be nice to take almost a month off until I have to take Stats which I am sure will put me over the edge...critical thinking is not my idea of fun. But, I feel good about my accomplishments anyway.

I bought a car...I found it interesting how easily they will let people walk in and drive a car off the lot. I was more concerned than them but I got a great deal and I bought a FORD!! I am proud to say that I am Ford Family Member since my Mom married a FORD Executive 20 years ago. And, I have loved my Ford cars!! I will say, I was weepy when I watched my van disappear. Lots of family road trips in that Van.

My son, Seth is trying out for ODP (Olympic Development Program) Soccer this weekend and for the next 2 weekends after that. I am sure that I will be more stressed out than him. He is taking a chance trying out since he will be on the younger side for his age group. I hope that it will excite him to be more aggressive. I am sure that I want him to make it more than he does but for the right reasons. He will get better training and play on a higher level. I have no idea if he has a chance but it will be good for his character. (I know I don't sound convincing when I say that...and you're right in thinking she wants him to make it!)

And lastly, my Daughter, I love her dearly. I have enrolled her back in High School. I hope we can make it work for her. She tries and then she doesn't. I am trying to love her and not to be critical. I am to the point where I have said to her, you know, you want to treated like an adult then you will be expected to take the responsibility and everything that goes with it then...she doesn't quite get it but I won't give up...I love her soooo much.

Cheers to the weekend and to all of you that take the time to read my blog...!!

Gratitude List

2006-11-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

1. Good credit
2. A Family who supports me.
3. Cute Little Trick or Treaters.
4. My new car...it Rocks!
5. Fridays!!

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T14:08:00.000-07:00

Wednesday's Gratitude List

2006-10-25T13:59:00.000-06:00

1. Halloween Parties.
2. Carving Pumpkins with my children.
3. My Family
4. Mascara - I look frightening without it!
5. My pillow for letting me cry into it whenever I want.

The Gift...

2006-10-24T09:04:00.000-06:00

Today is 1st year anniversary since my Dad left this worldly existence. I miss him so much. I want to say something about him. I want to say that he was an honest man. He was a quiet man but when he spoke they were words of love, encouragement and kindness. He always wanted his family around him especially during the Holidays or any occasion that there was an excuse to.

At Halloween for the last 5 years (since my Dad moved back), he took us to the Off Broadway Theatre around Halloween. It was a fun time. The shows are always a spoof or spin off..Like Dracula vs. The Werewolf..he'd pass out homemade goodie bags filled with popcorn & candy. My children loved it and we were all laughing our butts off...So, this year the kids and I went by ourselves. I passed out the goodie bags and we laughed together. It was good to be laughing and having fun with my children and them with me.

This morning, on the way to work, I was thinking about my Dad and thinking about last night...and I realized what an awesome gift my Dad had given me. A Family Tradition for us and there will always be moments when we speak..."Remember when Grandpa took us...."

Thanks Dad! I love you and miss you beyond the stars and back...

EEEK!

2006-10-23T14:00:00.000-06:00

So, I just read my last 2 posts...and what a whiner I have turned into. I am sorry about that...REALLY! I know I need to count my blessings and contine on my path towards a better Angela! I will work on it!

Lack of Anything Positive

2006-10-23T08:51:00.000-06:00

I have been self-absorbed lately. I have had exams, children and car troubles. I don't think that I have concentrated on any of it too well. At the best mediocre results in all catergories. I don't really want to be depressed and full of anxiety but my lack of self-control seems to help me slip into self-pity and ignorance. I want to pretend nothing is wrong. BUT...I have to face the facts. Things are bad. I need to take control and throw up the toxins of my life and keep going. Never give up right? Stay strong and keep trudging along. I find it ironic that I started saving money and going without a new wardrobe and extras this fall in the effort to save money for the future and now...I need a new car. I started running harder and longer in the effort to lose weight only to watch the scale go in the wrong direction...I need to go to the doctor and find out what is up...I tried to focusing on the kids only to be shut out...I have this one class left before applying for Nursing School...and I feel like throwing it all away because I feel depressed that I will never actually be able to afford to quit my job and go to Nursing School because I won't be able to afford a car payment, house payment, braces for Seth, mental healthcare for the family, food and things for my kids if I quit work and I don't want to go to school until I am 50 years old which in all seriousness that is how long it would take me to finish taking 1 class a semester. I need a new outlook and change my plans but it all seems hard to go through. I wonder why I decided to change my life...one snag ok...two snags..still ok..three snags...anxiety...four snags...ready to quit...pathetic that I can't stand strong and keep going. All I want to do is cry.

Friday Fall out

2006-10-20T09:04:00.000-06:00

My Daughter was living with her Dad. Her choice. Her life. I didn't really want her to go there but felt that I needed to "listen" to her and give in...rather than demand that she do what I wanted. I will say this...I wasn't happy about it and I didn't like it but I let her make the choice. Well, she pretty much got kicked out of her Dad's house. She has come back to live with me. I should say that I have mixed feelings about it. I got use to not having so much anxiety and stress. I had it pretty easy since Seth is pretty easy (although, he has reach puberty...so that could change!) I think that she is really in worse shape than when she left. I think that she hid a lot and protected her Father and vice versa. I do not know how to handle this situation. It is very difficult. She is almost 17 years old and has pretty much flunked the last year of school. She knows everything she doesn't want: school, responsibility, honesty or intergity. I think that she is hell bent on destroying herself and she wants to blame it one me. You ask her what she wants and she can't tell you. I am frighten, stressed and feel completely uncapable of handling this. I have done the whole counseling and medication thing with her which cost an arm and a leg which I was fine with but it didn't work in my opinion after a year and half. And now, I think...what will happen to her? When is she going to figure out life...maybe it will be a long road for her...you just hate to watch them go through so much unhappiness and pain...because I KNOW how hard it is and you just don't want to see your kids go through pain. And I know the saying..they have to learn for themselves BUT that doesn't make it any easier to watch someone you love destroy themselves. I just can't reconcile myself to it. This last year, lost my Dad, lost my Love and now I feel like I am watching my Daughter lose herself.

Gratitude List

2006-10-04T11:51:00.000-06:00

1. Fuzzy Socks
2. Good Teachers
3. The last of the warm autumn days
4. My good ole van...it keeps going and going!
5. Grey's Anatomy...so I can forget my problems for a while!

Tuesday's Tips

2006-10-03T09:54:00.000-06:00

1. Honey remedy for skin blemishes. Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

2. Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine...a powerful antiseptic.

3. Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. -- Good for kids!!

4. Vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

5. Rainy day cure for dog odor...Next time your dog comes in from
the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

I like these because I have all these type of products around the house.

Three Day Weekend!

2006-09-28T08:48:00.000-06:00

I am super psyched! I am going on a road trip starting today!
Yeppers, I am heading south to warmer weather.
Here are my goals for this fabulous trip!

1. Relax
2. Sit by the pool and study!
3. Go Golfing
4. Go Shopping
5. Get a Pedicure
6. Have absolutely no schedule
7. Leave my watch at home
8. Smile all weekend
9. Take a leisurely run
10. Eat Sushi!

Hope you all have a super awesome weekend, too!

Gratitude List

2006-09-27T08:43:00.000-06:00

1. My Hairdresser, who makes my hair lovely again.

2. To be able to serve Others.

3. My Mom, who loves me no matter what.

4. The ability to forgive.

5. The ability to love after hate.

6. The wind in the trees.

7. 3-Day Weekends

8. Cute little babies & toddlers...for their absolute pureness & beauty.

9. My lawn in the Fall.

10. Monkeys in Trees.

Tuesday's Tips

2006-09-26T08:44:00.000-06:00

1. Easy Deviled Eggs

Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all
Broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up and mixing. Thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just Throw bag away when done - easy clean up.

2. Squirrels Away!

To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with
Cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the
Squirrels won't come near it.

3. Flexible vacuum Hose

To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an
empty Paper towel roll or empty gift-wrap roll to your vacuum hose. It can be
Bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

4. Take baby powder to the Beach

Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When your ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.

5. No More Mosquitoes

Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

Have fun trying these out!

Brain Dead!!

2006-09-21T11:03:00.000-06:00

I have to say that I have been going crazy!! School is kicking my butt! I spend hours studying but I don't get it. My brain had the summer off from school and now I can't retain information. And what is worse is that I don't have a study partner for my physiology class that I am taking. Our teacher is good but her tests are hard. She talks one thing in class but her test are on a much higher level so it is confusing. She talks layman terms in class but the test is for some 3rd year medical student at the University...so I bombed the first test. But, I have to get a good grade in this class because I am applying to Nursing school in December! I do not want to have to wait until spring to apply! I am not getting any younger and that just puts like 1000 more people in front of me!! Plus, the waiting list can be up to 2 year long! So, I am going crazy.

Gratitude List

2006-09-14T16:27:00.000-06:00

1. A Loving God.

2. Water.

3. My old worn Levis.

4. Bob Marley's music.

5. My Large Purse (some might say luggage)

6. Coconut Lotion...yes, it is wonderful smelling!!

7. My fellow bloggers.

8. The Sun that blesses the Earth with life.

9. Silly cartoons that make me laugh.

10. My bed.

Tuesday's Tips

2006-09-12T08:41:00.000-06:00

-Raw potato slices contain potassium to take away dark circles under the eye.

-A little bit of red or orange in the center of the lips makes them look fuller.

-Do you need a quick glow to your skin and all over healthier look? Bend over at the waist, as far as you can possibly go, and hold to the count of thirty.

-Before you wear a new garment, put a little clear nail polish on the front and back of each button. Buttons will stay on longer when their threads are sealed.

- An easy way to avoid razor burn after shaving is to moisturize beforehand. While shaving cream is the most popular method, try prepping your leg with hair conditioner for a few minutes before shaving. It will hold moisture on the leg longer and provide a very smooth shave.

9/11 Tribute - Story of Sean

2006-09-11T09:58:00.000-06:00

The Story of Sean

"RTG wrote The Story of Sean for a 4th of July post a couple years back. It's the single most moving account of 9/11 that I've ever read" ....You can get the link to this page at: http://rightthinkinggirl.com/ (sorry, I still haven't figured out to link stuff)

Sean woke up that morning at seven o'clock. His son and his wife continued to sleep while he got up, brushed his teeth, and took a shower. As he shut off the shower, his wife's alarm started beeping. Her routine was to get up, put on her robe, and go into their son's room to wake M. M was three years old, a perfect blue-eyed little boy who was the center of his parent's life. Strictly speaking, he did not have to get up that early. The nanny would arrive at a 7:30, but Sean and his wife liked to share breakfast with M before work.

Coming out of the restroom, he could hear her across the hall, and M whining a little. His wife came back into the sleeping suite, put M on the bed so Sean could talk to him, and went in to take a shower. It was a familiar, comforting routine, one done for a thousand days - ever since M was born. M sleepily sucked his thumb while Sean put on his suit. That morning he chose a nice Brooks Brothers suit -charcoal grey, a fresh white button-down, and a sky-blue tie that his wife would tell him "brought out his eyes." While he tied the knot of his tie, he could hear the water in the bathroom stop, and hear the shower door open.

Sean took M into the kitchen and started making coffee. While the coffee dripped, he took M back into his room and dressed him. Coming out of M's room, his wife asked him a question about work. They both worked for the same company, in different divisions. He worked in the North Tower, she worked in the South. Sean held M and talked briefly about work while his wife adjusted her clothing. She was a typical New York woman who loved fashion. She had meetings planned in the afternoon and had chosen a dove gray pantsuit with a white shirt. It was new. That weekend, she'd gone shopping at Barney's and had bought herself a designer suit. It looked perfect on her.

She was barefoot, and her hair was pinned up - still not dry - as she breezed by them, kissed M and took the child from her husband. In the kitchen, Sean poured two cups of coffee, a cup of milk, and gave his son the milk and a banana. M's real breakfast was usually eggs or frozen waffles and was served at nine by the nanny. This meal was primarily an opportunity for the small family to connect before the day would separate them.

Sean's wife cooed over their son, asking if the banana tasted good, and asking what animals ate bananas. "Monkeys and me!" was his reply.
After the coffee, she jumped up, went back to the bathroom to dry out her hair and put on her makeup. The nanny came at eight, and Sean let her take M back to bed. He went into the bathroom just as his wife came out shaking her hair, and trying to choose shoes. "We're running late-ish," Sean informed her.
She grabbed her jacket, walked across the hall to say hi to the nanny and to kiss her son. M was still awake, and said bye-bye. She kissed his cheek, told the nanny to have a good day, and said she'd see them at six.
Sean and his wife arrived at the WTC at 8:20am. They normally had lunch together but his wife wasn't sure about her afternoon schedule and told Sean to call her at 11. Sean went to the North Tower. His wife went to the South.
Normally Sean was not hungry when he just woke up. He'd drink the coffee but he couldn't eat that early. What he did was, he'd go downstairs to get a cup of coffee and something to nibble on then be back at his desk by the time the markets opened. That day, he turned on his computer and began downloading his email. He read a message from a coworker that had been sent last night and marked urgent. It was about somebody's birthday celebration. He decided all of it could wait, and pushed away from his desk. He grabbed his cell phone and left to get breakfast.
He went from his office on the 104th floor a quarter-mile downstairs to a delicatessen and bought himself a bagel and coffee. His credit card receipt - he'd forgotten to get cash - shows that the purchase took place at 8:44am Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

He was standing in the lobby when the airplane hit. He did not feel it or see it or hear it. With others in the lobby, he got into an elevator car and rode up. At the 78th floor Sky Lobby, he got out to switch elevators. The elevators were running very slow. Sean impatiently waited, feeling the urgency to get back to his desk so he could be there when the markets opened. His phone rang. He set his coffee down on the top of a brushed aluminum trash can, and fished in his pocket for the phone. His wife's number flashed on the screen.

"Hey," he said. Just then, he saw somebody he knew step off the elevator.
"I'll call you back," he said, and hung up. The fellow bond-trader said, "Don't go back up. There's been a bomb."
"What?"
Sean's phone rang again. The wife. He told his friend, "Just a sec," and he answered the phone. "What's up?"
"One of the girls here says that your building was just hit by a plane."
He turned to his friend and said, "Could it have been a plane?"
"Sean!" His wife snapped.
"Yes?"
"Your building is on fire. Valerie said it hit in the upper floors, like where you work."
"I'll find out," Sean said. "Let me call you right back."
"I don't know what it was," his friend said. "I'm just getting the hell out of Dodge. Were you here in '93? It took ten hours to evacuate. I'm outta here."
His friend, perhaps one of the first to realize the danger they were in, left. Sean dialed his boss, who did not answer the phone. He dialed his secretary, and she didn't answer either.

Around him, people began to get word of an explosion in the upper floors. Momentum was gathering, a buzz-saw of expectation and questions, rumors that went from the explosion being a bomb to an airplane to an exploded transformer.

It had been about three minutes since American Airlines Flight 11 crashed into the North Tower. Later, Sean would discover that the airplane had literally flown right through his office. But at that moment he knew nothing of the kind.
He decided he wasn't going to take any chances. Once decided, it was as if the whole situation had become immediately clear to him, just how much danger he was in. He got back on the down elevator. He called his wife. She didn't answer at her desk, so he tried her cell.
"Oh my God, your office is burning," she answered. She told him she was in a different office, one where she could see his building.
"I'm leaving," he said. "Meet me outside somewhere."
"I have meetings," she answered almost robotically.
"I don't like this at all," he said. "I'm coming over to get you."
"Sean, no, I'm fine. I hope everybody's okay in your office..."
The elevator stopped at the 45th floor. It swung on its cables like a pendulum back and forth. The doors didn't open. The car ascended one level. Sean looked at the others in the elevator. Faces were a little anxious but nobody was panicking yet. If he understood the situation that was going on sixty floors above, something else was gnawing at him now: an idea of just how much damage the explosion had caused. The elevator began to descend again.
"Get out," he ordered his wife on the phone. "Get out of the building."
"Sean.... no."
It went back and forth like that until Sean reached the lobby. His wife was saying, "I think we're okay," when he heard a crash on the other end of the phone. "Oh God," his wife said and then there was nothing.
Confetti was falling from the sky. Papers flew in the sky like a ticker tape parade. Some of it was burned, the edges black but the body of the financial statements or per diem requests still perfectly in tact. For whatever reason, Sean grabbed one of the papers and folded it and put it in his pocket. Later he would recognize it as something he had been working on.

Outside the lobby on West Street, firemen were staging up to go inside his building. He grabbed one and asked, "Was it a bomb?"
The fireman answered, "Nope, it was a 747."
From the street, facing both buildings, his wife's building would have been on the right, rising high above the Marriott Hotel where they sometimes met for after-work drinks with their officemates.
Sean called his wife again. "There's a fire," she said immediately.
Sean exhaled. She was alive. "Okay, can you get out?"
"I don't think so," she said. "We're trying."
"Who are you with?"
She rattled off three names. Names that Sean knew - names of people that Sean and his wife had dinner with, whose kids were sometimes playdates for little M.
"There are firemen down here," he said absently. They were in fact everywhere. Police too. And he was standing there on West Street in the middle of it all, trying to figure out what does one do when one's wife is trapped on the 85th floor of a burning building. There was an impulse to try and go inside the tower, find her, and bring her out but Sean did not know which office she was in, or where the fire was located. She said, "I will call you back," and hung up.

Sean called his boss again and the phone didn't ring so he dialed his boss's cell phone, and when he didn't get an answer he left a voicemail. He then called his secretary, and a few more people he had seen just that morning at their desks. Nobody was answering. He left voicemails with a perpetually growing sick feeling in his stomach.

His phone rang. His home number flashed on the screen. "Oh thank God!" the nanny wailed. "I just saw it on the news!"
Sean still hadn't had any confirmation that it was an airplane. The fireman had said so but it seemed so unreal. In a daze, he said, "What happened?"
"An airplane crashed into one of the towers and I was watching it on the tv and as I was watching it, another airplane crashed into the other building! On live tv!"
"Okay, I have to call you back. Is M okay?"
"He's fine. He's asleep. I was going to wake him at nine but this happened and ...."
"Let him get some extra sleep," Sean said. Then after a promise to call her back in an hour, he hung up.

People were starting to jump from the buildings. A flash of white dropped in his peripheral vision, and then he was aware of something slamming into the street. It exploded on impact. He didn't make the connection until later that it was a person. It didn't look or act like a person. But it was a person.

He called his wife's phone again. He described her voice as "wrought". She had come to some understanding that the situation was serious, that she was, in fact, trapped. His wife told him that she had run through the offices, trying to find a way out but the stairs and elevators were blocked and now the walls were on fire and the situation was dire. Somebody was trying to open a window. "No!" she yelled. There had been some debate about that. She didn't want the windows open because the fresh air would feed the flames. Others were starting to choke on the smoke and were desperate for fresh air. She'd ripped off her cute Barney's jacket, doused it with a bottle of Evian that she kept in her desk, and was breathing through that. "Listen to me," she said. "Tell M..."
"No! That is bullshit. You're not going to do this," Sean snapped.
"Sean, I am burning up. Please let me talk."
Sean was quiet.
"Tell M that I love him. Tell mom and dad that I love them. And remember that I love you. I want you to be happy. I'll still try to get out, but if I don't, please just know I love you. I want you to be happy, and you're the type who needs a wife ---"

"I need you."
"....So please find somebody to make you happy, somebody who is good for M."
"Baby, please..."
"I have to go. I love you. I'll call again if I can. I love you. Bye."
The line disconnected.
What the hell was that? Was that goodbye?
He looked up at his wife's building, trying to detect her in the perfect silver rectangle windows. A perfect silver tower. A twin.

And it started to crumble. Right before his eyes it started to sink in on itself. Pancake was the word that would be used to describe it. His wife, somewhere in the middle-top of the building - was in the building, alive as far as he knew, as the building began to slide. A colossal plume of filthy gray smoke rose up, engulfing entire city blocks. Sean saw an SUV parked on the street, and he ran to that, and dived in his nice charcoal Brooks Brothers suit under the SUV. He put his arms over his head, his face pressed to the asphalt.

It was loud. The worst rainstorm ever, screaming and blotting out everything else, even the fear of being swept away in it. Objects pounded the SUV for what seemed like hours. Wind blew fiercely by the tires. He kept his eyes closed, and held on tight.

After the storm quieted, Sean rolled out from under the vehicle and looked at his changed world. There was nothing around him that he recognized. He was knee deep in debris. The air was swirling with dust and miasma.

The cell phone was still in his hand. He hit redial. His wife's voicemail greeting came on. He cut the connection and put the phone in his pocket. People had been calling. Calls he hadn't taken, from his in-laws in Virginia, from his wife's sister in Boston, from friends.

In shock, Sean walked toward the wreckage. Police were yelling over the squawking radios. Firemen and rescue personnel were forcing him back. Sean could not leave, so he simply stood there, looking up at his own building. Firemen were filing out of the lobbies with people. He walked around to the corner of Vesey and Church where the police command was. A policeman looked at him and Sean looked back evenly. Not a question, not a demand, just a shared look. Sean's phone rang. It was the wife of one of his coworkers. She burst into tears as soon as she heard his voice. "Is John alive?" she asked through her sobs. "I can't reach ..."
"I don't know," he replied.
"You have to call Howard," she said. Howard Lutnick, the CEO of Cantor.
Sean didn't understand what the woman was trying to say and he was too shocked to be of much help. He assured her he'd call if he saw John, and hung up.
His building came down. Falling away from an invisible spine, it slipped just as his wife's building had slipped. At some point he realized it was all over. His wife, his job, all of it was gone. His son was at home, but he could not go home, so he just walked around. The city of New York was covered in ash. It looked like nuclear war. At some point he saw a Ford Taurus that was covered with an inch of pure ash. It looked fresh as snow. With his finger, he wrote in the ash: "I AM ALIVE" and kept walking. He walked the streets like a homeless person, trying to figure out if he was really alive at all, or maybe this was death? Maybe he was a ghost. If he were dead, this was certainly hell.
Howard called his cell phone. Howard was sobbing. "I'm trying to... we have ten."
"Ten?"
"Ten people alive right now."
"Okay," Sean replied. What do you say to that? When you start the day out with your wife and your 300 best friends, and suddenly you have ten people alive. What can you say? Sean simply said okay to everything Howard said, and hung up.
The thing you must understand is that Cantor's policy was nepotism, nepotism, nepotism. They loved to hire brothers and sisters and best friends. Sean's best friend in college worked one floor below him. His best man at his wedding worked on the same floor. The friends were gone. The building was gone, as if it had been dreamed into place by the force of their friendship, and then vanished when the bonds erupted.

When there was nowhere left to walk, Sean staggered home. His parents, who lived in the city, had come over. When they saw him, they rushed to him, relieved and weeping, and after a moment asked the question he did not know how to answer: "Is she okay?" Sean shook his head, more to remove the question than to answer it, and walked back to his son's room. The nanny was playing with M. Sean picked up the boy and kissed him, holding his warm comforting weight in his arms. This is it, he wanted to tell his son. This is your first lesson in loss. This is your first quiet splintering. He gave his son back to the nanny and went into the bedroom. He got in the shower with his Brooks Brothers suit still on, and undressed as the water poured over him. After getting the grime off, he changed into jeans and a polo shirt, and some sneakers, and he told his parents he'd call later.

He walked back out to the frozen city. The buildings had crashed and there was no such thing as a wife anymore. No such thing as anything anymore. Where had his life gone? This morning was so ordinary and now it was ... He felt like he was dying. He thought of his wife and knew he wouldn't live through the night. After all, you can't live very long without a heart.

He taxied back to midtown Manhattan. It was the center of the universe that day. It was a black hole, with a gravitational pull that would not leave him. He knew there was nothing to do. He knew, on some level, that those words on the phone had been the very last. But there was a tiny flicker of hope, a little bit of hope that maybe when the building came down, she'd managed to somehow survive it.
He gave some blood for victims who never came to claim it.

Howard Lutnick talked to the families twice a day. He set up a suite of rooms for the employees of Cantor at the St Pierre Hotel. Nobody slept more than an hour or two a night, and everybody was losing weight. Sean who was a trim 185 pounds on 9/11 weighed in at 173 ten days later. Wives and husbands and families of the "assumed dead" hung around, begging for information about their loved ones. Sean found somebody from Carr Futures who had seen his wife that morning, but nobody saw her after 8:46am because she'd gone to somebody else's office to see the damage to the first tower.

Sean kept calling her cell phone just to hear her voicemail message. He posted flyers with her picture on surfaces all over the city. He knew she must be dead. If she were alive, she'd find a way out. She'd find a way to contact him. But he put her information up anyway, and after a while he accepted that it was a memorial, and not a plea for help. She was beyond help but she wasn't beyond memory. She never would be, for that matter.

Sean and his family and the dear friends of Cantor closed ranks. Sean, always intensely private, gave no sobbing interviews. He would not speak about anyone or to anyone but those whom he trusted. Instinct told him that to survive, he would have to grapple with the emotional fallout later. He had to take care of M and he had to help with the rescue mission of Cantor. There was some controversy when Howard Lutnick shut down the bank accounts and didn't distribute paychecks. Ever pragmatic, Sean understood the necessity. In order for the survivors to have a job to go back to, all the people who survived pulled together, sacrificed like they were a young Silicon Valley startup instead of one of the largest, most aggressive and prestigious bond trading firms in New York.

Sean did not sleep for four months. He worked, and he took care of M, and he visited the families of the dead. For over a year, he would attend ten funerals a week. He would coordinate with other survivors" if he couldn't attend, somebody else would go in his stead. And vise versa. If somebody couldn't make a funeral, they would ask Sean and Sean would go. No questions asked. There were weeks when he attended two or three funerals a day. Every day. Monday through Sunday. The tears never seemed to stop.

Sean didn't want a memorial service for his wife. He would wait, he decided. He wanted a body to bury. His in-laws agreed. His inlaws had temporarily moved from Virginia to one of Sean's guest bedrooms. Though they were present, Sean still had the nanny come over every day. It was important, he believed, to keep the pillars of normalcy as much as possible. Meanwhile, he moved through the days like a ghost on tv, taking care of M, trying to explain the situation to the three year old, trying to tell him that Mommy was in Heaven, and Mommy loved him very much. One afternoon he sat his son down at the kitchen table and gently said, "Tell me everything you remember about Mommy." And his son listed things, and Sean wrote them down. Mommy smells good. Mommy tickles my belly. Mommy sings "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Mommy is the prettiest lady in the whole wide world.

Cantor recovered. Sean recovered, as much as one can recover from something like that. Even M recovered. There are still little shocks in their lives, however, that bring them back to that day, remind them of the enormous loss that they suffered. In mid-2002 The authorities found some remains of his wife and a small memorial service was held for her in New York. Then in 2004 the NYC Medical Examiner called Sean and informed him that they'd discovered "some more of your wife's DNA." Without telling his son, he took the remains to his vacation home on Nantucket. He sailed his boat out to the deeper waters of the Atlantic and scattered her remains into the lufting Massachusetts wind and the eternal rolling ocean. When he got back to the vacation home that afternoon, he planted a tree in the backyard.

I met Sean when I needed him most. I think he needed me too. It was like two friends finding each other after a long separation. Despite the fact that we were jetting back and forth between New York and Washington, there was not a lot of excitement, which is exactly what we both needed. We both needed serenity and acceptance, a relationship built on the tenets of friendship and blameless, guiltless love. That is what we got. We talked about his wife often and I started to feel like we'd have been good friends, had I known her.

One afternoon in New York, Sean and I took M out to a small park. Sean sat on a bench in the shade while I pushed M on the swings. When he reached momentum, M turned to me and said, "You are nice. I think my mom would like you."

I had to look away. I didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes

More Soccer Drama...

2006-09-08T08:55:00.000-06:00

I decided that I would support my Son's soccer team instead of getting frustrated. So, I offered to get the team registered for our local UYSA Tournament over UEA. I sent out e-mails, I called parents, and talked to the Players who of course all want to play BUT you need the Parent's consent to play. And Guess what? I can't even get enough Parents to respond to get a full team to play.

I am disgusted, dismayed and damned. I thought that volunteering would release me from my frustration of feeling useless. I was wrong. I must have walked into this with my "Naivete hat" on because I had no idea how hard it was to get Parents involved. A lot of people would say "Shame on you"...you should have known better than to think you could make a difference. But, I haven't given up yet. I just don't understand why people don't even have the courtsey to call me back!!! It is so RUDE! Oh, well...I will I still have 32 hours to get 3 more boys! I don't think that is asking too much do you?

My Gratitude List!

2006-09-07T11:55:00.000-06:00

1. My running shoes.

2. Fresh chives from the garden.

3. To ALL the Teachers who teach my children.

4. Late afternoon rain.

5. Starbucks.

6. For allergy medicine or my life would be miserable.

2006-09-01T09:06:00.000-06:00

So, today is Friday. I am for one am super glad that it is here.
I have been sitting here at work all week alone. While I enjoy the
solitude at times. It now feels like a day prison that I am stuck in
until 5:00 PM each day.

I am seeking help with my blog.

I would like to add links to some of my favorite bloggers sites but really don't know how to go there...maybe reading directions would be good but suggestions would helpl

And, I would like to be able to keep my blog interesting. How do you all do it?

Thanks!

A Prickly Reminder

2006-08-29T09:42:00.000-06:00

I let go of my past a long time ago. I entered my Thirties determined to eek out a new life, new friends and new memories. But, sometimes going back seems like a fun idea...or so I thought.

I was invited by some old friends from my early twenties to get together. So, I thought it would be fun...pack up the kids and go. Why not? There is a lovely Inn there with private hot spring tubs and a good breakfast in the morning. I thought it would be fun to catch up with friends I hadn't talked to or seen in 8 years. As fate would have it, I didn't get up to Lava until 10:00P...Seth had a his first soccer game of the Season and it ended up being delayed by 3 hours...so we were late. When we got up there all of the adults were drunk. So, my children watched a bunch of drunks, listened to their filthy language and vulgar conversations...it was like I had just stepped into the past. These people hadn't changed since I was in my early twenties. I was uncomfortable to say the least having my children there but I tried to keep an open mind and not get upset. And really in the end we had fun for the most part.

But, after the "reunion"...I thought is this how I was so long ago? Was I so thoughtless in my partying days that I didn't even take into account the effect that if may have had on my children? Did I really think at that time that I could preach one thing and expect them to not follow my poor example? I really must have been too self-absorbed to notice or I didn't care...some of this was before Seth but a lot of this same behavior was in front of my Daughter.

I can't beat myself up over this. I can't change any of it. I can't even imagine living that lifestyle anymore. I don't remember what happened that I decided to change my life anymore except that I continue to move forward and make my life better. Sometimes going back is fun but in this case, it was a prickly reminder of why I left my past in the past.

DAVID BECKHAM

2006-08-15T16:34:00.000-06:00

I actually saw this lovely man on Saturday when I took my son to see REAL Madrid play an Exhibition game here in the States. Anyway, it was a fun game and I didn't take my eyes off him the whole second half of the game. My Son was quite disgusted since he thinks I am too old to oogle at guys...but I couldn't help it. I think I feel silly about now but at the time it, I could not help it. A weak excuse but then I was weak knee'd at the time!

An Olde Irish Wish

2006-08-09T15:20:00.000-06:00

May the raindrops fall lightly on your brow
May the soft winds freshen your spirit
May the sunshine brighten your heart
May the burdens of the day rest lightly upon you
And may God enfold you in the mantle of His love.

Six Random Things - I Love

2006-08-08T11:15:00.000-06:00

French Country with a twist of modern.
Warm nights on the porch.
Coconut ice cream.
Beach vacations.
My Children.
Sting.

What do you LOVE??

My Life Changing Event...August 2, 2006

2006-08-02T14:09:00.000-06:00

You think that everything is going great in your life. You are excited about the prospects of the future. You are generally happy about life.

Then the bomb hits...You're told, I am not happy in this relationship. I don't care what you think about anything that concerns me. You have nothing going for you. You are a "f"ing c*^t. I am only here until I taken care of some things.

When did this happen? Why did this happen? Why did loving me become so hard? I thought I had it all. I am crazy in love with him...so here I am sitting in shock and horror that I am going to be left again. I know that I can take care of children and myself. I know that I will survive this because I am a fighter. But, I can't help but wonder what it is about myself that causes people to fall out of love with me. Is it really me? Do I just pick the wrong type of men? Do I stink? I mean what is it?

It really makes me feel like crap that this man doesn't love me enough to work this out. We have only been married for year and a half. So, here I am wondering how I didn't recognize his withdrawal from me, why I didn't see the writing on the wall. Maybe, I was too busy worrying about my children, my work and school. Maybe, I just didn't give him enough. I don't know.

Loving is hard enough but to love someone so hard and so deeply...the rejection I can barely stand. It is like being hit in the head and waking up and not knowing where you are. I really thought he adored me. I really thought this was forever. I have no complaints about him. I have no understanding in this. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. My heart (the one you feel when you are happy or sad) is so hurt that it physically hurts. I just don't know what to believe or think at this point. I hate to have to end this. I don't want to start all over. But, what else is there? I am not going to stop him from leaving. I am not going to fight a one-sided arguement. I am not going to beg. I have been there and it doesn't work.

I had to get this out. I don't dare tell a soul for they will say...what did you do this time? He is such a super guy...you need to go to him and make things right. You need to change yourself for him. I AM SERIOUS...that is what everyone will say because they all love him, too. Well, we've all been duped. The story is OVER.

George Washington

2006-07-28T13:26:00.000-06:00

George Washington is one of my favorite men in history. I find him fascinating to say the least. Here are a few great quotes from the 1st President of the United States of America. I hope they inspire you.

*The time is near at hand which must determine whether Americans are to be free men or slaves.

*Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company.

*Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.

*True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.

*A slender acquaintance with the world must convince every man that actions, not words, are the true criterion of the attachment of friends.

*Few people have the virtue to withstand the highest bidder.

*It is the child of avarice, the brother of iniquity, and the father of mischief.

*Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.

*As Mankind becomes more liberal, they will be more apt to allow that all those who conduct themselves as worthy members of the community are equally entitled to the protections of civil government. I hope ever to see America among the foremost nations of justice and liberality.

*How soon we forget history... Government is not reason. Government is not eloquence. It is force. And, like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.

*It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a Free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even of his personal services to the defense of it.

*If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.

*Liberty, when it begins to take root, is a plant of rapid growth.

Enjoying All the Moments I Had

2006-07-18T08:42:00.000-06:00

It is amazing how a vacation can renew your spirit, your life, your attitude and your happiness. I had been looking forward to this vacation. Since my Father died in October, I have not truly relaxed and let go of the stress. I held it close to me. So, it was and is wonderful to have spent my time enjoying all the moments I had.

I contribute it to the time I spent every morning on the dock with a cup of tea just looking out at the lake, feeling the water on my toes, the birds soaring, the fish jumping and the soft wind through the pines. I let it soak down deep inside of me until no thoughts of a my Father's death, school, children or work had any place in my mind. I felt peace that I had ached so long for.

I contribute it to the time I spent walking the 5 mile loop through the woods and by lake each day. The sweat, the aching muscles and the rhythm of my breathing pushing the built up toxins both physical & emotional out of my body. I felt healthy and strong.

I contribute the sun & water to my happiness. I spent long days on the dock, in the water and on the boat. There is nothing better than lounging on a raft in the water, jumping waves created by a boat's wake on a waverunner or dropping a waterski for the first time. My skin now glows bronze as if I had received a gift from the Sun Gods.

I contribute the happy countenance of my children. We laughed, we swam to the point almost every day, we made hemp necklaces with colorful beads, we watched and agonized over the World Cup...hoping Germany would win but glad that Italy did in the end. We screamed as loud as we could on the roller coaster rides at Six Flags and laid under a Georgia sky and watched the beautiful fireworks on the 4th of July knowing that we were lucky to live in America and grateful to be together.

May the peace, the happiness, the laughs, the bikini lines and family keep me full for a long time.

Summer Vacation!!

2006-07-02T15:29:00.000-06:00

I am on vacation in Georgia...how sweet it is.
Basking in the sun,
Lots of swims in the lake
Leisurely reading...
I am having a great time.
Well, back to the Lake!

Thankful, Grateful & Humbled

2006-06-15T08:55:00.000-06:00

I was tagged by Magical Sis to write about who in my life has helped me and why I am thankful for them.

My Heavenly Father. He blesses me, he watches out for me and I know he is always there for me.

My Mom. She has never given up on me. I have had trying times in my life, I have made bad decisions and I have been rather mean to her in the past. My mother lives a good life and taught me to give others, to be the best parent I can be and not to give up EVER! I love her dearly and she is my best girlfriend.

My Dad. Bless his heart. He past away suddenly in October of 2005 of a heart attack. I was devastated. I still am. There is a saying...you don't know what you got until you lose it. My Dad by most standards was quiet and unassuming. He helped me out so much with my children. After he was gone...I didn't know what to do without him. He loved me and never judged me. He just was there for me. Thank you, Dad. I miss you so much.

My Children. I have written a few posts about them. My life is centered around them. They aren't easy children...they are strong-willed and definitely know who they are (this happened about the time they were going through puberty…imagine that) . They challenge me all the time to be better, more understanding and more compromising. They just don't take no for an answer all the time. I have had to stretch my imagination, open my mind and given in at times when I never wanted to. They have made me grow in ways I thought I never would.

My Love. I never thought that anyone could adore me. Let's face it. I am exasperating at times. I am highly emotional. I change my mind all of the time. And I just know I am going to flunk every exam I ever take. I live off on stress and coffee. But, my Honey loves me and finds me beautiful no matter what. He came into my life and has done nothing but give to me. I never thought to be married again. I thought I would live out my days single. But, he changed all that and I am grateful.

There are many others that I am grateful to. My Grandparents who loved me and always told me I was a Star. Then there are my brothers and sister who had to deal with their oldest sibling being the spoiled one and not getting too jealous about that. There are my friends far and wide who gave me the gift of their friendship. Senora Windor, my Spanish teacher, who taught me to speak Spanish and made me want to be a teacher. There is Miss Graham, my ballet teacher, who taught me to love dancing and how to choreograph from taking the music and finding out how it made me feel and expressing it through dance.

I am thankful for the beauty all around me...the pure joy of the wind blowing on my face and the Sun smiling down on me as I lay staring at the sky from the top of Mount Olympus.

I am humbled that Magical Sis...offers me challenges to write. I am not an eloquent writer. I am not a beautiful writer. I am not really a writer at all. But, I have found happiness in expressing myself. So thanks to all of you who take time to read my blog. It is awesome.

World Cup - Adidas Commercial

2006-06-14T15:29:00.000-06:00

I had to share this because I have been watching the WORLD CUP and I love this commercial.

6/14/06: KUDOS TO GERMANY! They managed to score the only GOAL of the game at the very, very end in stoppage time against Poland!

The World Cup

2006-06-13T11:41:00.000-06:00

So this is my first World Cup! I have been getting up early to watch the matches I can before work. I love it! I wish I was in the stands in Germany! You can hear the cry of the fans throughout the whole game...there is definitely electricity in the air. My favorites so far are the Netherlands, Mexico and Austrailia! The U.S. Team just don't have it together...they seem nervous and out of sync with one another. I was having a fit over the plays...but that is because I wanted them to win...but to be fair...I am waiting to watch Germany, England & Brazil...Go Teams Go!

The Weeping Lilacs

2006-06-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

I have a Secret Garden. It is lined with beautiful Lilac and Snowball bushes. They are 12 to 15 feet high now. They are old bushes that have seen many people pass through the doors of the home they line. The birds love to sit in their branches and gossip to each other all day long. We became the Keepers of the Garden just 2 years ago and have nutured, fed and pruned these wonderful and fragrant gifts. When the lilacs are in bloom...the sweet fragance softly sweeps through my bedroom window each morning as the sun is rising...I look forward to each spring and the wonderful present I get when I awake from my slumber. But, this spring some of the oldest did not bloom nor did they get their leaves. I walked around them and realized that they had died. I was heart broken. I don't know what happened to them. Had they lost their will to live? I doubt I will ever know. So, we had to dig them up...3 lovely bushes. As we dug them up, I cried...it was if I was destroying something precious. I thought, I am a killer of life. It seemed to me that the other lilacs were weeping...I could hear the wind in their branches making the leaves sigh. I felt destroyed. Now, I sit on my back porch looking at the hole that is left and I hate it because now my Secret Garden has been exposed to prying eyes of the nosey neighbors who peak through the hole at my private place. As I sit and stare...I decide to build a fence of hedges so that the hole will be fixed...but I find no satifaction. I miss my lilacs.

The Battle

2006-06-01T08:45:00.000-06:00

I sometimes feel like I am in a war zone most often at home. The constant battle to not let society's addictions takeover a wildly funny and talented kid's life. It goes something like this: Seth says to me...it isn't wrong to want to spend my time playing X-Box, it doesn't matter that I want to spend all afternoon and evening glued to the TV. Why should I have to get a long with others? I am my own island and it is okay for everyone to leave me alone. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. It is okay to call you stupid if you are bugging me so just let leave me alone.

I weep. I worry. I wonder. Are all kids like this nowadays? It is as if society has an unspoken message...let them do what they want. Don't rock the boat. It is a phase; they will grow out of it. Should I wait? What type of habits will develop during this "phase" in life? Well, I am not the type that will wait to find out. I think it won't be good. I think there will be a lot worse than better going on. Some would say, you fixate too much on your children, let them raise themselves. They will figure it out. I say, at what cost? Do I dare to be patient? Maybe or maybe not. I haven't figured it all out yet. But, I decided to try to give Seth some choices and see what happened when he made the final decision. So here's that story.

It is soccer try-out season here in the West. All the clubs are having try-outs for next fall's season. Everyone is looking for talented players to fill in holes where kids have left or build a stronger team. Seth tried out for the Team he is already on. His only comment was: I think I probably made it. But what if he didn't? (Which was NOT likely but it was on his mind). So, I told him that he should try out for some other Teams...just to see what other clubs were doing, see how he compared to other kids in the valley and strengthen his skills. What could it hurt? If he made different teams then he could choose which one he wanted to play on. Well, he didn't want to have anything to do with it but I finally convinced him to try. I made it easy for him not to worry he would run into other players he knew, made sure it was in a different division, so he wouldn't run into other Team's he had played. But, I still sensed deep down that Seth still wasn't going for it. His insecurities kicked in…The day he was suppose to start trying out. He didn't not want to go...I was practically begging him to get in the car...he finally relented. We get to the tryouts and he works hard but afterwards, he said he wasn't going back. He didn't like the kids; he didn't want to be a part of either club. I told Seth that we aren't quitters and he was going to finish what he started. I knew that it was the fear of failing that had him running scared. So, after a long calm talk with him that evening and a good night's rest I asked him, are you going to try-outs today? Seth said probably. So, he went and he got 2 offers from other Teams to play with their clubs. The biggest problem was these Teams wanted a commitment from Seth to play and they didn't want to wait because while he was their first choice...they wanted to put their teams together. I didn't blame them but Seth's original team hadn't made their decision yet. (Which is a whole different story, which is a joke) So, we called the Coach and said we need to know what is going on. Does Seth have a place on your Team? The Coach finally said yes...So, then it was up to Seth. Here are your choices. You have three teams that want you. Which one do you want to play on? His decision was to play with his original Team.

Here are the amazing things that came out of this.
He made his own decision.
He didn't quit.
He found out that he is an awesome player.
He realized he had more than one choice.

I think he is happier for this experience. This morning when he woke up to get ready for school he was happy and confident. I grinned.

I am proud of Seth. He did all the work. He dug down deep and found the courage to face his fear of failure, keep his commitment to finish and make his own choice. I know he will be out practicing, going to games and working in a team environment instead of sitting in front of a screen by himself. He learned that trying to force him doesn't work but by maintaining the standards that are expected of him, he can step up and feel good in the end.

I still think that Society is trying to take away my right to raise my children. Slowly and subtly they want the control. I am not giving up on that battle. I want to be my son’s guide through life. I want him to come to his parents for guidance rather than Google it on the web. The battle is on…

6 Years of My Life!

2006-05-16T13:38:00.000-06:00

I just received an E-mail "CONGRATULATING" me for 6 years of service with my Company.
It amazes me that I have been able to work for the same Company for that long. I have watched many companies lay-off employees, put on permanent hiring freezes or seen the last of the little guys being swept off the face of the Earth by the WALMART's of the world. So I feel lucky. Plus, the 3 weeks vacation every year feels real good when I am sitting on the dock of Lake Oconee sipping Lemonade and enjoying the breeze off the lake. Smiling at the thought of not being in the office for at least another 10 days. I have to say I am grateful for my job, too. Because, I have it easy compared to most. I have the ability to go to school "as long as the work gets done"...I can drop my Son off at school and then come to work without being stressed that I am not there at 8...I can go watch school plays, attend soccer games without being scruntinized for doing so. I have a lot to be happy about.

The Meaning of Life...A Canvas

2006-05-12T10:05:00.000-06:00

I was tagged by MagicalSis to express my thoughts on the Meaning of Life...Late but better than not..

It encompasses so much. The meaning is what makes sense to me
I have come to an age where I don't look so young anymore on the outside but I still feel young inside. And I know I am more beautiful now.
I have found that from looking inward that I had to face my fears, my failures, my unhappiness and death. And I have seen the best in myself. The pure joy of working hard, finding an absolute beautiful man to spend my life with and my children, who I love so much.
I have found that the more I give to others the more satisfied I am with myself.
I found that coming home after work and doing something rather than succumbing to the couch adds value to my life.
I find that I have no patience for the "negativity spreaders" of the world and I am drawn to those who are trying to be the best of themselves and beyond.
I have come to realize that life isn't very fair to most but not to give up and keeping trying.
I have found that the day takes you to where you're supposed to be. And being yourself, you can be more honest than not.
I have found that worrying about the World's problems keeps you awake at night but trying to make a positive difference in your own life and those around you settles a blanket of warmth around you rather than leaving you cold.
I have found that being kind to everyone is better than being absolutely rude…like to the cashier clerk for screwing up your order...because I don't want to ruin anyone's day over a Latte with a shot of Caramel.
I have found my voice in writing for myself. And I find I like it…. just wish I could focus a little more and get rid of those fragmented sentences.
I have found that life is REALLY what you make of it. The Meaning? Is a private search for the individual to map out and find.

“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on It.” – Danny Kaye

If You Love to Dance...You will LOVE This!

2006-05-10T08:35:00.000-06:00

Stupid Girl...Don't be One!

2006-05-02T09:00:00.000-06:00

Pink isn't my favorite artist but check the video out. I like the underlying message there.

I AM FREE!

2006-05-01T15:58:00.000-06:00

Free from Textbooks.
Free from the Library.
Free from re-writing notes.
Free from yellow highlighers that stained my hands.
Free from teachers who love to write trick questions.
Free from carrying the heaviest book bag around.
Free from people getting a better score than me.
Free from the smell of cadavers.
Free from confines of a lab on a beautiful night.
Free from laying awake at night worrying over the next test.

I am SUPER-FREE for 3 months and 23 days until classes start up again!

Soccer Politics

2006-04-27T16:30:00.000-06:00

I have to get this off my chest. I really want to scream and have a tantrum about it. I want to go off and slap someone...verbally slap, I should clarify.

My Son plays soccer for a club. He is on the "B" Team because we didn't want the commitment to play on a Premier Team. For a lot of reasons. So, I was excited when my Son made the "B" Team because he would develop better skills, play on a higher level than recreation soccer and it would be a way for him to meet other kids that he would be entering JR. High & High School with....or so I thought.

But, I haven't seen the Coach teach the kids skills yet. His whole theory is "I want these kids to have fun"...well, how fun is it to lose every game? How fun is it to get beat everytime on the field because they don't have the skills? And how fun is it to know that the Premier Teams laughs at you at school. Well, not very fun in my mind or my Son's. How do you approach a the Coach who always plays the marytr?

So, here is my BIG problem with all of it. One, my Son is a good player but isn't happy because the Coach always sticks him on defense because he is the only one who can defend the goal or keep up with the other team's offense. Secondly, I was told by the Coach that my Son would have to try-out again because if there were 8 other players that were better he would replace kids on the Team. And I thought...What?.. What does that really mean? Only 8? Why not 16? You want to know why? Because the Coach's son and his buddies get to stay on the team. (mind you some of them are the WORST players on the team.) NICE!! Talk about Politics. So, since my Son goes to a different school and isn't a part of the "Boys Club" he isn't guaranteed a spot on the team.

So, I am complaining and I should just have my Son try out for another team. But, it isn't that simple. At this level of play, it is hard to get one a new team...no one knows your kid, you have to develop relationships, you have to overcome parent politics and you come out of pocket for a lot more since you aren't a part of the club upfront. And lastly, the Club which, my son is involved with feeds into the Jr High and High School Teams that my Son will be going to soon. And who generally gets on the Team? OUR CLUB!

So, I am not good at politics. I have found that out. Why? I am too emotional and afraid I would go off and verbally beat someone up which isn't the smooth talking politician one needs to be to get elected!!

So, that is why I am here on my blog instead...having a tantrum of my own and to myself. Do I feel better? HELL NO!

A Maddening Test

2006-04-24T13:01:00.000-06:00

My Last Anatomy Mid Term sucked. I thought I had studied but apparently NOT! It was such a hard test that I sat there and stared out at it like it was in a foreign language. I couldn't pull up any memory of 1/3 of the test. I am so mad at myself for not being able to pull it together to find the answers from my brain. I was absolutely afraid to go back through my test and change answers. I just went with my first impression. I find it completely unfair that one test can blow your entire grade in the class. Here's to losing my "A"...

FOLLOW UP:
So, I got my test back and I was happily surprised that I got an "A"

Rinse And Repeat

2006-04-21T09:43:00.000-06:00

So, I did't think I would survive my Lab Final. I had actually worked myself into an absolute tizzy fit over bombing this test besides it is 20% of my grade. I had been preparing for this advanced anatomy lab for some time but there was too much to learn, too much to memorize but mostly too much for my brain to handle. I had visions of not being able to complete it or standing over a cadaver bawling because I couldn't remember the name of the muscle that was tagged. I felt like my whole life was centered around this one test. I had ignored my family, my laundry, my blog and even really me. I had convinced myself that if I failed this exam that I had failed in life. How ridiculous is that? I am here to say I survived. But my mind is not done yet. I start working today on yet another test. And yes, I will work myself into another totally high anxiety situation where I will totally freak and think that I will yet again fail another test. But, this is ironic part. I never fail. I always manage to get A's. I have to say to myself? Is this some sort of sick mind game I play with myself? Is it some sort of control I must have over myself to ensure that I spend every minute I possibly can squeeze into studying? Is it yet another way to rationalize that it is okay to ignore the rest of my life for a test...Is it really worth it? Is it really something that is good my state of mind? No, it isn't. I frustrate everyone around me. I have pretty much conviced everyone that I cry wolf. And I prove it everytime I get my test back And yet, I can't or won't stop myself from absolutely worrying myself into complete exhaustion, huge headeaches and hysteria. I really don't know how to change it and I am afraid that if I do, I will fail. So, I will embark today on another journey of complete insanity in the attempt to study, cram or memorize more material so that I won't fail. It is like the instructions on a shampoo bottle...rinse and repeat.

Six Quirks about Me

2006-04-07T08:51:00.000-06:00

I like to sing the "Oscar Mayer Bologna" song in bed on Sunday mornings using different voices. Most requested: Donny Duck aka Donald.
My nickname is Monkey Momma around the house....I'll let you guess why.
I have thing for clean bathrooms. I can't stand a dirty one...so I clean mine a lot! After washing my hands in a public place, I never touch my skin to anything in the bathroom after that. I use ton of paper towels so I don't have to touch the faucet or the door handle or anything upon exiting the restroom.
Socks! They either have to match my shirt or the shoes that I am wearing. I have been known to change my entire outfit over socks. And to make matters worse, I am ALWAYS losing socks so I am constantly looking for socks. But, in the summer, I do not wear socks because I only wear shoes that don't need socks.
I will not leave my house unless I have mascara on.
I stare at random people...I am mostly watching them but I am not very good at being subtle.... But I enjoy observing other humans, I find it fascinating and intriguing.

April

2006-04-03T16:34:00.000-06:00

April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.
- William Shakespeare

April begins on the same day of week as July in all years and also January in leap years.
April's flowers are the daisy and sweat pea.
April's birthstone is the diamond.
April in the Northern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent to October in the Southern Hemisphere and vise versa.

The Weekend

2006-03-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

I hope to party like it's 1999...(by the way....did you hear that Prince painted this house he was renting in L.A. purple all over the place...crazy!)
I hope my Son's soccer team wins!
I am looking forward to getting a Pedicure...cuz my toes are a little freaky right now and I want to wear sandals since it is spring, ya know!
I wish I didn't have a penchant for using exclamation points it makes me seem like I am in a frenzied place all of the time!
I will not be blogging over the weekend because I hope to use every moment running around doing fun stuff...this is not meant that blogging isn't fun.
I hope that over the weekend someone will make a funny comment to my blog so I can have super smile on Monday!
I hope to have a clever idea to post to my blog on Monday!
I will miss reading the blog sites I check EVERY day!

Have a super awesome weekend and I will, too!

10 Qualities in a Lover/Mate for Angela!

2006-03-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

1. Patience: Because I am exasperating!

2. Affectionate (i.e. Likes to Kiss): I think that being open enough to share intimacies is important. Being closed off creates lots of problems behind the bedroom doors or even on the couch for that matter...

3. An Outdoors Enthusiast: That is where I find I commune with Mother Earth and myself the best. Plus, being outdoors whether it is running, gardening or hiking up a tall mountain, it does wonders for your mind, emotions and physical health...besides that I love the sun!!

4. Financially Viable: You don't have to be rich, you don't have to have a PhD but you do need to be able to balance your checkbook, not have a ton of useless debt and want to save for the future. Your own Health Insurance is always a bonus.

5. Humble: Marked by meekness or modesty; not arrogant or prideful; I think that sums it up for me.

6. Sense of Humor: Yes, you got it, the ability to recognize the absurd in any situation and to accept it. Humor is the ability to not take oneself or others too seriously. Light heartedness is the essence of a joyful and creative life. A sense of mirth helps relax the mind and make it more flexible. I have a tendency of being too serious, I need a laugh and it is helpful when someone else is providing the humor for me!

7. Gracious: When I need my bottle opened, when I need my tire fixed or when I need a shoulder to cry on... that would be a good to time to be gracious enough to help me without complaining or feeling "put out".

8. Good Looking: Am I saying physically good looking? Well, sure that would super awesome but I want someone who feels good about themself inside and out. THAT is good looking to me.

9. Likes to Cook: I find it sexy. I love to watch them dice, slice and flip. It is a weakness of mine.

10. Must Absolutely Adore Me: As shallow as this may seem...I think when someone adores you...you adore them back. Random acts of kindness happen because of being adored. It brings out the gentleness in a relationship. It brings out compromise in a fight. It brings out the best in me.

Tiny Thoughts

2006-03-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Thoughts! May they guide you today!

True happiness is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. -Helen Keller

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Gandhi

Happiness is a thing to be practiced, like the violin. - John Lubbock

I think I will SCREAM

2006-03-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

I want to take my clothes off and slither into the hot tub and sink to the shallow bottom and sit there and scream. Once there I can watch the air bubbles zoom to the top until every last breath of air I have is gone and then lift myself up for another breath and repeat this until I feel cleansed from daily and life stresses that are relentless like a bill collector.

FOLLOW UP My MTV Mentality Kid

2006-03-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

So she left....I had to let her go. I am so super sad about that. She wanted her wings and so I did...I untied that ribbon that connected us to each other. I never thought that I would let her go like this but nothing was working. Literally, everything was unraveling. She went to her Dad's. She says that she is going to be famous one day and to watch her succeed now that she is able to breathe. (Translation: No longer near her Mom)

I love her so much. I think she is so beautiful. I think she is so smart. I will miss her so much. Isn't it something like: Set it free and it will come back to you?

Ugh

2006-03-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

You know, somedays just don't go right...you wake up with a great attitude then BOOM...the bottom drops out. I can't stand those sort of days. But, I make to keep plugging along. I hope tomorrow is better.

I Love Her!!

2006-03-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

This is my beautiful daughter. I love her. Here are some of the reason why I love her.

All the reasons I LOVE her!

She supports and loves all of the Underdogs of the World.
She makes really cool hemp necklaces and gives them away to friends, family and others.
She is an eclectic dresser. She doesn't want to be like anyone else.
She is very creative with her make up and cuts out pictures from magazines of people with really cool make up and tapes them up in her bathroom.
She likes to draw while listening to her IPod.
She is the best dessert chef that I know.
In her dreams, she goes to a Liberal Arts School.
In her other dreams, she goes to Culinary School.
She hates everything that I believe in when it comes to Politics!
She loves Bob Marley
She loves Flogging Molly
She loves treats whatever they maybe.
She loves to sleep in on the weekends.
She walks around in a pink fuzzy and warm robe when she doesn't want to leave the house.
When I ask her to, she will go and work out with me at the gym.
She always wants a hug and kiss before she goes to bed at night.
She loves being Irish and going to the St Patti's Day Parade with her Mom every year and wearing CRAZY GREEN outfits!!
She has a natural gift with animals. She is sweet and kind to them and they obey her like she is a Queen.
She thinks she knows it all...I can remember that in myself at that age and love that she has the confindence in herself to stand up for that.
She is nice to old people.
She loves to snowboard and can jump!
She wants to be herself but respects me enough to not pierce her body up until she is 18. (I do hope she doesn't put too many holes in her body at once!)

It is hard to watch your child grow up and be their own person. It has taken me a long time to realize that and accept it. In leaving her to make her own decisions, I am watching her grow, it is like watching a bird soar high above.

My MTV Mentality Kid

2006-02-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

So my daughter doesn't like to go to High School. It is a diffucult gig for me. I drop her off at school but she walks out the back door and how am I to control this? I call, e-mail and set up meetings with the school. But, that is it. All I do...doesn't seem to work. She has a better time skipping school and hanging out with her friends. Do I blame her? Probably not...but the fact is...she needs an education. What does she do when she is 25 years old and doesn't even have a high school diploma? Probably blame me for not "forcing" her to stay in school.

My daughter knows everything in her mind. She is blowing her future for friends, drugs and music...she can't seem to see beyond the here and now. Does she think about her future? Does she know that making minimum wage at 25 years old will not pay her bills? Why does she have to learn the hard way? I am sick in the heart for her. I want more for her. But, the feeling I get is that she simply doesn't care. She just can't wait until she is 18 years old to pierce her body and get tattoos are her only goals. She seems to think that will make her happy. I mean, I don't think that there is anything wrong with living your life the way you want to...but I think responsibility for your actions are a must. But, I am sure she will blame me for her misery. I mean she does it now. She says, "I am unhappy with my home life, I can't be myself..." But, you take yourself with you wherever you go. A change in scenery doesnt' change who you are on the inside. The same problems, the same insecurities and the same attitude will be there when you arrive at your new destination.

I am not sure where I am really going with this except to say that I wish she could see into the future and what her life would/will be like on both sides fo the coin. I wish I could make her happy. I wish she could see how truly beautiful she is and how smart she is. But, she can't. She is stuck in the MTV reality mentality lifestyle, instant gratification and my parents don't know $hit!!

So, I think it will be difficult to keep her in school. I think it will be difficult for her to see past her today. But, I can't and won't stop trying to get her through this hard time. I won't stop loving her in spite of it all!

Don't Leave Your Kids Inheritance in Anyone's hands but YOURS!!

2006-02-10T16:10:00.001-07:00

This is a warning to all...If you have remarried and your children mean anything to you...don't leave it to your second or third or whatever number wife to do the right thing!! Or for that matter don't leave it to your beneficiaries to figure it out. It isn't fair to any party even if they all get along and love each other. Death does something to people...it makes some greedy, it makes some depressed or it makes some really mad.

My experience is this: My Dad had an old outdated will which was the only one signed. So, the Wife got the 2 pensions, the house, the SSN, the 401K , everything in the house and the insurance money. He bequeathed some of the family heirlooms to us and a small annuity. So, along with a lot of poor legal advice...we don't even get the few things our Dad left to us except what was in the annuity and mind you that was split 4 ways. Why? Because of GREED, FEAR & SUFFERING.

My Dad could have prevented this by creating a Trust and setting it up so that everything down to how he wanted to be buried and in what were detailed. But, my Dad thought he was going to outlive the Wife...and procrastinated changing his will into a Trust...and believe me, we begged him to...not for a bigger portion or anything...just for peace of mind. But, that isn't how it went. It went that less than 24 hours after my Father died...she got herself a lawyer and we haven't been back to our Dad's home but once...she stole, she lied and cheated her husband's children out of few scraps. In addition, she doesn't want to even pay for his funeral. She want us to pay for all of it plus the small debt my Dad had. And mind you, there is PLENTY of money that my Dad provided for her pay for his funeral expenses.

So, now the children are 1 against 3...it is tearing down our relationship apart, which I might add only gives my Dad's wife much joy. I don't wish this upon anyone...

Protect your children. Spouses come and go but children don't. I know my Dad is watching from above and probably feels really bad that we are going through this pain but he's not here to deal with it. We are.

Inside the Life of the Migrants Next Door - Time Article

2006-02-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

Feb. 6, 2006
On a crisp Saturday night in early winter, an armada of Hyundais and Saturns arrived at the colonnaded Bridgehampton Community House in the center of the Hamptons, a thin necklace of ultra-wealthy hamlets at the tip of New York's Long Island.
The Hamptons are best known as a summer playground for Manhattan millionaires. But this night, the people who service the lavish Hamptons lifestyle were throwing their own party. They caravanned from a nearby church, little girls in frilly dresses and pomaded boys in squeaky shoes, shepherded by their parents--the roofers who tack gray slate to colonial homes, the maids who scrub toilets and dust Swarovski stemware, and the gardeners who feed the Hamptons' endless appetite for formal English gardens and straight hedgerows.
The hundred or so guests had gathered for a quinceañera--a souped-up Latino version of a sweet-16 party, thrown for a girl's 15th birthday. But this was a coming-of-age celebration not just for the birthday girl but also for the Mexican community that has grown up in the Hamptons. Nearly all the attendees come from a town called Tuxpan in the green hills of the central-Mexican state of Michoacán, which has seen several generations of young workers move to this far, affluent corner of the U.S. They came with nothing, and many have managed to build a solid facsimile of middle-class American life. Still, most of them are--in the hard parlance of the immigration debate--illegal aliens, part of an emerging presence that was once seen as a blessing but has turned into one of the Hamptons' biggest controversies.
The same souring dynamic echoes in cities and towns from Tuscaloosa, Ala., to Tacoma, Wash., as migrants push into new communities with increasing numbers and confidence. Their ascension has caused a thousand brushfires of resentment throughout the country. A TIME poll conducted last week found that 63% of respondents consider illegal immigration a very serious or extremely serious problem in the U.S.
Washington, having heard the call, is creaking into action. President George W. Bush has made it a New Year's resolution to pass a guest-worker program, coupled with robust policing of the border. Under his proposal, undocumented workers already in the U.S. would register here, work for as many as six more years and then return to their native country to reapply if they want to continue living in the U.S. Immigrant advocates oppose the idea, saying that a full amnesty giving permanent legal status is the only practical way to deal with the estimated 11 million illegal aliens in the U.S. without sending the economy, not to mention its poorest workers, into shock. But neither the President nor the amnesty crowd has a bill already rolling through Congress. That distinction belongs to House conservatives, who passed a hard-line border-security measure, stripped of any nod to guest-worker status, in December. The Senate will likely consider it this month.
In the meantime, an estimated 700,000 undocumented immigrants from around the world continue to enter the U.S. each year, according to the Pew Hispanic Center. TIME followed the fortunes of those from Tuxpan--both in the U.S. and in Mexico--and found that American misgivings about illegal immigration are mirrored by the illegals. Again and again, the immigrants asked themselves the question: Is coming to the U.S. worth it? The wages are undeniably good, as much as $15 an hour for manual labor in the Hamptons, 10 times the rate for the same work in Tuxpan. But even among the relatively well-off guests at the quinceañera, there has been a heavy price to pay for the opportunity: estranged marriages, wayward children, hostile neighbors here in the U.S. and a beloved hometown in Mexico whose long-term prospects seem to dim with each worker lost to the north.
THE TRAILBLAZER
THE STORY OF TUXPAN'S TRANSFORMATION from a provincial town of 30,000 into a major conduit of cheap labor for the Hamptons begins with a single wanderer. Mario Coria, 55, grew up so poor in Tuxpan that at age 11 he left for Mexico City to work in construction, a skinny kid carrying 80-lb. bags of cement and mortar on ramshackle scaffolding, sending nearly all his earnings back to Tuxpan. In January 1977, when he was 26, Coria had a chance encounter that would change his life--and that of Tuxpan--forever. He ran into a vacationing restaurateur from Bridgehampton who was asking directions to the Palace of Fine Arts in downtown Mexico City. Coria showed him the way, the men struck up a halting conversation in Spanish, and within two years, Coria had accepted the American's invitation to work as a gardener in the Hamptons. A tourist visa to the U.S. came included with his plane ticket, both easily arranged by a Mexico City travel agency.
The Hamptons, like much of the U.S., had a very different relationship to illegal immigrants 30 years ago. Back then, Coria was one of only a handful of Spanish-speaking immigrants who lived in the area. His blend of industry, attention to detail and, eventually, confidence in his vision as a landscaper made him a hit with the wealthy Hamptonites. One family liked him so much that they had their personal attorney help him apply for legal residency. But even after he was legal, he still found it tricky being gardener to the rich and famous. He is fond of recalling how he walked out on the actress Lauren Bacall after, he says, she yelled at him for cutting a clutch of lilies too short. Overall, however, his perseverance has been richly rewarded. Coria started out making just $3.25 an hour, but today he is a U.S. citizen and owns a house in the Hamptons town of Wainscott. He bought it for $125,000 in 1996, but similar homes are selling for more than half a million dollars today.
A trip to Ororicua, the shantytown in the mountains outside Tuxpan where his grandmother was born, highlights just how far Coria has come. His grandmother's people still live in sloping clapboard shacks with dirt floors. Coria's home in Tuxpan is a porticoed five-bedroom residence in the center of town, and he drives a late-model Nissan Pathfinder. In the front of his vast garden are orchids and lilies he brought from the Hamptons. In the back are groves of guava, orange and avocado. But Coria's pursuit of success has taken a heavy toll. Being just about the only Mexican gardener in the Hamptons when he first arrived meant less competition, but it also made him more homesick. He returned to Tuxpan in the winters, but "every March when I went back to America, there would be two weeks when I just didn't want to get out of bed," he says.
In 2005 the depression came and didn't leave. The more financially secure he was, Coria says, the more overwhelmed he became by memories of his bitter past: the beatings he suffered as a boy working construction in Mexico City; the disapproval of his mother, who never seemed satisfied with the money he sent back every week. Coria fled the Hamptons abruptly last year in the middle of the busy summer season to recuperate in Tuxpan. Once a week, he makes the six-hour round-trip drive to see a therapist in Mexico City. He's planning on returning to the Hamptons in March to begin buying seeds and drawing up plans for his clients' summer 2006 gardens. But even if he goes back, he says, he doesn't think he can spend more than two additional seasons in the Hamptons. "Walking the streets of Tuxpan, I know who I am," he says. "Over there, even after all these years, I am just a stranger."
THE NEWCOMERS
THE DARKER COMPLEXITIES OF BUILDING A life abroad are lost on most Tuxpeños, who see Coria's mansion in Mexico and his new truck as tangible evidence of his success. Early on, friends and relatives asked how they could make their way to the Hamptons. In 1985 he brought over his half brother Fernando. Fernando invited two friends, who started bringing their relatives. A handful became dozens. Dozens become hundreds. There are no reliable estimates, but workers in the Hamptons say there are as many as 500 Tuxpeños living full-time in the area, and scores more show up during the work-filled summer months. Many of the new arrivals cross by foot near Douglas, Ariz., and then get rides to big cities where they catch vans, buses or even airplanes to New York. (Southwest Airlines is a popular choice for its fares, as low as $99 one-way.) The lucky ones with tourist visas can fly directly from Mexico City to New York City's J.F.K. Airport. But whether they travel by land or by air, relatively few get caught or even delayed. Their safety comes in numbers: hundreds of thousands of migrants will always win a game of Red Rover with a little more than 11,000 border-patrol agents.
Of course, people are not just coming from Tuxpan. Workers have been flooding into the Hamptons from other parts of Mexico, from Colombia, Costa Rica, Guatemala and Honduras. And the Hamptons, like so many suburban areas facing the same deluge, are feeling the strain.
The community's complaints against the newcomers are varied and vigorous. Neighbors rail against single-family homes that are carved into hostels housing a dozen or more men at a time. Uninsured drivers, some of whom display the daredevil driving style of rural Latin America, anger local motorists. Day laborers looking for work clog parking lots, and they are more than just an inconvenience. Flooding the market with cheap labor, they're driving down wages for everyone. Even some of the more established undocumented workers are critical of the newcomers. "A hard worker used to be able to make $15 an hour here," says Gabriel, 33, a Tuxpan native who owns a small gardening business and who, like many of the people interviewed for this story, asked not to be identified by surname. "But there are too many workers here now. They're working for $10 an hour."
A crowd of Ecuadorian day laborers gathered at the East Hampton train station in the fall were asking $12 an hour. The employers who stopped by ranged from heating repairmen to housemoms. Homeowners and renters make up almost half of those who hire day laborers, according to a recently published UCLA study. The day laborers, who exist on the bottom of the undocumented-worker food chain, say they feel slightly shut out by those immigrants who already have a foothold in the Hamptons. "Their attitude is, we were here first," says a worker named Oscar. "But we deserve the same chance they had."
The old-timers, for their part, complain about the newcomers' work ethic. "The people who come these days just see the nice cars or the money on the streets of Tuxpan," says Coria. "They don't know how much hard work it takes to make it in the Hamptons. So many of them come, get disillusioned very quickly and return to Mexico empty handed."
Octavio, 19, a shy mechanic from a poor settlement outside Tuxpan, knows how hard it can be, and he is trying to hold on. In March he paid $2,200 to a door-to-door smuggling service that picked him up in Tuxpan and dropped him off in the Hamptons. But it was no luxury ride. The trip took eight days, including three days and nights of nonstop driving from Douglas, Ariz., where he walked across the border, to the Hamptons. The Chevy Astro van that took him through the U.S. was crammed with 13 people--11 other Tuxpeño passengers and two alternating drivers. "I wasn't ever scared," Octavio says about the journey. "Just very tired." After he arrived, it took only a few weeks for his English-speaking uncle to find him a job in an auto-repair shop and a room to rent. Octavio now lives in a single-family home that got the illegal immigrant makeover: slap a lock on every bedroom and try to squeeze in as many families and workers as possible. He pays $500 a month to share his home with eight other workers he doesn't know and barely trusts.
But Octavio knows he's one of the lucky ones. His spot at the garage spares him the insecurity of hustling for temporary jobs as a day worker. The UCLA study reported that even when laborers find work, 49% say they have been cheated out of at least some of their pay in the past two months. Octavio recently got a raise to $10 an hour and supplements his income by doing freelance car repairs after hours, but after paying his rent and sending more than $1,000 a month to his mother (who plans to build a bathroom with running water), he doesn't have much money left. His only furniture is a mattress and a milk crate. Cardboard does the job of window shades. Octavio speaks just a few words of English and says he lives in fear of his Anglo neighbors, who seem to be constantly scolding him on the street. He thinks they might be mistaking him for one of his housemates, who disrupted the quiet neighborhood with repeated attempts to do body- repair work on old cars in the driveway.
UNEASY NEIGHBORS
THE HAMPTONS HAVE LONG CULTIVATED A Climate of easygoing tolerance, and for years town leaders dealt with illegal immigration by simply looking the other way. But that too is changing, as the numbers grow larger and the complaints grow louder. Last November, in a crackdown that has been lauded by anti-immigration groups around the country, police began taking down information about the vehicles that came to the East Hampton railroad station to pick up day laborers. They traced the plates and sent letters to the IRS and federal Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, saying that the cars' owners might be hiring illegal contractors and should be investigated. "Sure, it's unlikely that the feds would take action," says East Hampton village police chief Gerard Larsen Jr., "but put it this way: Would you want a letter from your local police department to the IRS saying that you're probably paying people off the books?"
Larsen sees the crackdown as a way of targeting the problem without going after the workers directly--an acceptable solution for the sensitive political ecosystem of the Hamptons. Suffolk County Executive Steve Levy, who mainly oversees the more working-class communities west of the Hamptons, takes a more direct approach. Levy, a Democrat, has initiated sting operations on local contractors and helped towns bust lawbreaking landlords. His police also forcibly removed day laborers from a Farmingville 7-Eleven parking lot. Levy says the voters in his county appreciate his strong arm. "There's a tremendous disconnect between the public and these do-nothing politicians," he says. "You're seeing the beginnings of a citizens' uprising."
The tensions are most evident in the complex relationship between the Hispanic immigrants and the German, Italian and Irish families that for a century formed the area's working-class backbone. Those locals were the ones who did the gardening, cleaning and cooking in the Hamptons before Latinos started showing up and working longer for less. And it's the working-class residents, not the wealthy summer-estate owners, who end up not only competing for work with but also living next door to the newcomers. "We have up to 60 single men being stuffed into homes of up to 900 sq. ft. That's not an exaggeration. Single-family neighborhoods have been turned upside down," says Levy. "It's very politically incorrect to say, but that's not what those homeowners signed up for in suburbia." Despite their grievances, however, many of those same working-class families have become addicted to the cheap labor. As a landscaper, Jeremy Samuelson has seen starting hourly wages for gardeners fall from $14 to $12 in the past decade, but he admits that he and his neighbors view cheap labor as a perk of living in the Hamptons. "People are making less, maybe, but now lots of people have house cleaners come once a week," he says. "And if you want your roof redone, you can just go to the corner, round up 20 guys, and they'll have it done in an afternoon for less than $3,000."
RESTLESS EXILES
AS CROSSING THE BORDER HAS BECOME more difficult and expensive, workers are staying longer and bringing their children to live with them in the U.S. Julio, 18, and Carlos, 15, moved to the Hamptons from Tuxpan almost a decade ago with their parents Julio Sr. and Yadira. The boys grew up on PlayStations, sledding in the winter and pool parties in the summer. They speak accentless English and for most of their childhood were average happy-go-lucky small-town kids. But because the brothers were born in Mexico, they have no legal American papers, no Social Security numbers. And that means they are not able to apply for federal college loans or even prove that they meet the residency requirements of the local community college. Their parents have seen enough to know that without a college degree the boys would get no further than their parents had. So just before Julio was about to enter the 10th grade, the decision was made for the boys to go back to Tuxpan with their mother to finish high school there, which would make them eligible to attend a Mexican university. Their father would keep working in New York alone.
Finding their place in Tuxpan has been hard for the brothers. In America they were too Mexican. In Mexico they are too American. Julio, for example, started out wearing the baggy clothes he bought at Banana Republic and the Gap before he left the Hamptons, but he quickly found out that what passes for universal teenage fashion in the U.S. is viewed as the indelible mark of a hoodlum in Tuxpan. Even his friends greet him with "What's up, gringo?" So Julio and Carlos spend a lot of time hanging out with other kids who, like them, are Americans in exile. There's Flor, 15, a cousin who also grew up in the Hamptons and speaks a rapid teenage patois. There's her boyfriend Luis, also 15, a basketball-crazy redhead who grew up outside L.A. "People get mad at us when we speak English together," says Julio. "They think we're trying to act all big. But it's just how we are."
As part of their return plan, Julio and Carlos' parents have built their dream house just outside Tuxpan. It is a grand two-story affair with granite counters in the kitchen and views of the mountains from the boys' bedrooms. But cash is tight. In the U.S., Yadira had moved up from cleaning houses to working as a manicurist for an upscale spa in Bridgehampton. With tips from her wealthy clients, she made up to $200 a day. But returning to Tuxpan, she quickly found out that sustainable income is hard to come by in small-town Mexico. Yadira tried running a small convenience store--selling sodas, lollipops, toilet paper--from the ground floor of her house. Those abarrotes can be found, it seems, in every other house in Tuxpan, and nobody appears to sell much of anything. After nine months, Yadira shut hers down. She now operates a clothing store. It is doing better than the convenience store, although on a typical afternoon, a few teenage girls stop in after school but don't have any money to buy anything. An elderly woman comes by to call a relative in Mexico City from one of the row of telephones in back. Yadira collects 20¢ for the call. To supplement her income, Yadira does manicures and facials when she can. She has also started to think about returning to New York, not solely for the money but because, like her sons, she has in many ways simply outgrown the town where cockfighting is the major pastime. "I thought it would be different coming back," she says with a sigh. "It can be so boring in this town."
AN ENDLESS CYCLE
A QUICK GLANCE AT THE ECONOMY OF A SMALL Mexican town like Tuxpan makes it clear why undocumented workers continue to head north. Tuxpan's heyday was in the 1950s and '60s, when it gained fame throughout Mexico for its gladiolus. But overproduction slowly poisoned the soil, leaving Tuxpan in a slow decline. In the past decade, flowers have made a comeback, but the salary for working in the greenhouses or out in the field still averages only $10 a day. At the same time, the cost of living is comparatively high in Tuxpan. As in much of small-town Mexico, the large influx of cash from the U.S. has thrown the economy out of balance. According to Pew Hispanic Center estimates, almost half the 10.6 million adult Mexican immigrants living in the U.S. sent at least some money back to their relatives last year, for a 2005 total of $20 billion.
In Tuxpan, as in many other towns in Mexico, the money is rarely used for bettering the community. Instead, there seem to be two impulses competing for those hard-earned dollars: a deep love of one's own family and a desire to show up everyone else's. Everyone buys Mom a house. Everyone buys a truck. Many buy subwoofers and chrome packages for their truck. When the returning workers descend on Tuxpan for the holidays in December, the local Yamaha motorcycle dealer has a field day. Rents in Tuxpan now average around $250 a month; completed houses can cost well over $100,000. Nike shoes cost up to $200 a pair. Seafood restaurants in town charge $10 a plate. "In America, we could go to restaurants whenever we wanted to," says the teenager Carlos. "Here, we can't afford it anymore." And the cycle of migration is self-propelling. Bartender Alfonso Mayo López, 43, lost his job in the fall when the last bar in Tuxpan closed because all its customers had gone up north. López now sees fewer and fewer reasons not to leave his daughter and wife and join his brother in the Hamptons. "The more difficult it gets here," he says, "the more I think about going there."
Roberto Suro, director of the Pew Hispanic Center in Washington, says the great irony of Mexican migration is that it often feeds the same problems that sent people north in the first place. "Many towns have lost the best of their labor force. There's money coming in [from the U.S.] but no job creation back home," he says. "It just shows that migration does not solve migration."
The governments of the U.S. and Mexico are trying to encourage people to put the remittances to better use. In 2004 the U.S. Agency for International Development began a five-year, $10 million program to help Mexican microlenders boost small businesses. And the Mexican government is proud of its 3x1 initiative, a project that aims to unite the federal, state and local governments in Mexico with immigrants in the U.S. to fund programs for improving life in Mexico. But Tuxpan's Mayor Gilberto Coria Gudiño (no relation to Mario) says he doesn't know of any 3x1 projects in the region. When asked if he has a plan for ensuring that the next generation of Tuxpeños won't be lost to the U.S., he says his administration has paid $20,000 for a gigantic Mexican flag to be placed on the highest peak above Tuxpan. "This will send a message to all those who are working up north that they should be proud to be Mexican, not ashamed," he says. "It will tell them that Tuxpan welcomes them home with open arms!"
There are some signs of change, but they're planted in rocky soil. Like Mario Coria, a Tuxpeño named Pancho found wealthy patrons who valued his hard work in the Hamptons. He worked as a gardener at one family's East Hampton estate for more than a decade while his wife Ruth worked as their housekeeper. When the matriarch of the family died, she left Pancho, his wife and three daughters a fair sum of money. Pancho won't say exactly how much, but it was enough to seed his American Dream for Tuxpan: state-of-the-art greenhouses for growing roses, orchids and gladiolus to be sold around Mexico. He hoped to supplement his inheritance with low-interest loans that the state of Michoacán earmarked for returning emigrants. He says the loans would allow him to employ up to 40 people. "When this greenhouse gets going," says Pancho, "I hope to be able to save many people from having to go to the Hamptons, myself included." Right now, however, the several plots of land he bought in the hills outside Tuxpan lie fallow. Applying for the loans proved more complicated than Pancho anticipated, and he has no backup plan. He ended up spending much of a recent visit to Tuxpan driving his beat-up Dodge Caravan around town, drinking with old friends, trying to figure out how to raise more money.
THE PRICE OF PROGRESS
DESPITE THE FLOOD OF AMERICAN MONEY streaming into towns like Tuxpan, there is a palpable lack of vitality on the streets. In the summer working season, Tuxpan feels as if there's some great war on: all the fighting-age men have gone to battle the hedgerows up north. Only women, children and the elderly remain. That emptiness is felt acutely by Lucila, 75, mother of 13, eight of whom live in the U.S. She proudly gives a tour of her renovated house on one of the town's main streets. The back of the building is neat and thoroughly modern, with tile floors in the living room, modern appliances in the kitchen. Still standing in the front part are the three tiny adobe-walled rooms that used to be the entire house. Lucila and her husband slept in one room. The five girls slept in another. The eight boys slept in the third. Out back, just past where the refrigerator now stands, was a large pen that held up to 70 pigs. Besides tending the pigs, Lucila's husband grew corn and beans and did odd jobs as a tailor. Lucila taught knitting classes at her house to help the family scrape by.
Nowadays Lucila doesn't have to worry about money--her children paid for the renovations in cash, a 50th wedding anniversary present in 1995 for her and her late husband--but she is lonely. Four of her daughters live in the U.S. permanently; three are citizens by marriage. Five sons work in the Hamptons; the other three are scattered across Mexico. Visits outside of Christmas are rare. Lucila occasionally talks on the phone with her children, but she spends most of her time walking through the enclosed town market and waiting for visits from the local priest. She keeps a bowl of salsa on the table at all times, just in case he stops by unexpectedly. "The padre loves spicy things," she says. But most days, not even the padre shows up. "There are times when I really miss my children," she says.
The northern migration has taken its toll on nuclear family life in towns like Tuxpan. Countless men have girlfriends in the north, while their wives and children remain in the south. And the women left behind in Mexico are faced with the same temptations. Workers in the U.S. regard this threat with black humor. The idea that there's a guy who's back home in Mexico drinking your beer, sleeping with your wife and spending your hard-earned money looms large in their mythology. He has even been given a name: Sancho. Taking a break from sodding a lawn in the Hampton town of Springs, a worker named Neftalí jokes that he has to wire some money to Mexico that weekend because, he says with a grin, "Sancho needs new shoes."
The relentless separations put particular stress on children. When schoolteacher Claudia González's husband returned after a two-year stint as a farmworker in Texas, her young daughter chased her father out of the house, yelling, "You don't live here. Go back to Texas!" Says González: "No amount of money from up north can bring those years back."
TIGHTENING BORDERS
BEFORE THE U.S. BEGAN CRACKING DOWN on illegal immigration in the early 1990s, a push only accelerated by 9/11, many Tuxpeños flew back and forth easily on 10-year tourist visas. But as those visas expire, they're not being renewed under policies that seek to control more closely who gets into the U.S. The heightened border security has not, however, stopped undocumented Mexicans from getting in. The Pew Hispanic Center found that even though immigration is down since its peak in 2000, about 485,000 undocumented Mexicans were still crossing each year from 2000 to '04. In fact, the tougher restrictions have been a boon for the smugglers who sneak human traffic across the border. When Mario Coria's half-brother Fernando went to the U.S. in 1985, the trip from Tuxpan cost $200. Now the same trip costs more than $2,000.
For Pancho, the rising profitability of human smuggling is proving too tempting. He used to work as an enganchador, or wrangler, in Tuxpan, earning $200 for each would-be migrant he steered toward his friends who worked as coyotes, smuggling people across the Arizona border. Now, with the business plan for his greenhouses in disarray, he says he plans to move to Phoenix, Ariz., and work as a facilitator for the coyotes, watching over the newcomers and arranging bus or plane tickets for them to their final destination. Pancho estimates he could clear close to $1,000 a week. Working as a facilitator isn't as dangerous as sneaking through the desert with a group of immigrants as the coyotes do, but under the tough new laws aimed at traffickers, Pancho could face felony time of up to 20 years if he's caught. It's a stunning risk for a family man to take, but Pancho just shrugs. "I think it will be fine," he says. "And besides, where am I going to get that kind of money in Tuxpan?"
For those who are crossing, the traveling has become more arduous. The first time Gabriel, one of the guests at the Bridgehampton quinceañera, crossed the border in 1990, he left Tijuana at 6 p.m. and reached his sister in Los Angeles by 8 a.m. the next day. But after the border crackdowns of the mid-1990s, he has had to seek out new routes. In 1999 he flew from Mexico City to Montreal and went to a random downtown McDonald's, where he thought he could bump into Hispanics. If he found some Mexicans there, he reasoned, one of them would know how to sneak across the nearby U.S. border. Before long, he got a ride to a secluded place in the woods just north of the border, but an off-duty U.S. customs agent getting lunch at a Burger King drive-through spotted Gabriel as he walked out of the trees. He was fingerprinted, handed a summons to appear before a judge and released. The judge later issued Gabriel a voluntary departure order, giving him two months to arrange his affairs and move back to Mexico. For an already overburdened immigration system, voluntary departure keeps the U.S. from having to pay for jailing or deporting low-risk illegal immigrants like Gabriel. He did fly back to Tuxpan at his own expense but stayed only a couple months before illegally crossing once again, this time through Arizona, to rejoin his family up north.
For anti-immigration advocates, the episode is typical of the leniency on both the northern and southern borders that is killing the system. Their outrage was directed at Mexico's National Human Rights Commission last week for its plan--scrapped a few days later--to distribute maps showing safe routes into the U.S. For Gabriel, however, the prospect of creeping and crawling through the woods just to reach his wife and two children in New York is humiliating. "I've got 15 years here," he says. "And crossing like that makes you feel like trash, like you're worth nothing."
Rather than run the risk and expense of going home in the winter, many Tuxpeños, particularly the families, simply choose to stay year round, putting even more pressure on the educational, health and social-service agencies in the Hamptons. The East Hampton school system now has a population that is 25% Hispanic, including legal and illegal kids. At East Hampton High School, new students who don't speak a word of English drop in so frequently that the school has developed a two-week crash course in basic phrases and American culture. There are signs of backlash from local taxpayers. A $90 million construction bond meant to alleviate overcrowding in East Hampton schools was rejected by voters last June, and some locals attribute the defeat to anger at the perceived costs of educating the kids of immigrant workers.
BACK AT THE QUINCEAÑERA in Bridgehampton, the festivities continued, yet the price and the promises of immigration were never far out of mind. Julio Sr. was there, but his wife and sons were 2,000 miles away in Tuxpan. Pancho was still in Mexico, so his wife Ruth waltzed with their daughter Samantha, 3. Gabriel sat with his arm around his wife Jani and talked about how their daughter Lena, 8, born in the Hamptons, could petition to obtain permanent legal residency for her parents in 2015, when she turns 18. "But by then," he said, as if suddenly remembering, "I really hope we're living in Tuxpan." [This article consists of a complex diagram. Please see hardcopy of magazine or PDF.]
TIME POLL A majority say illegals are a real problem ...
How serious a problem is illegal immigration into the U.S.? Extremely 30% Very 33%
Somewhat 26% Not very 8%
83% are concerned that providing social services for illegal immigrants costs taxpayers too much
71% are concerned that illegal immigrants increase crime
56% think illegal immigrants are taking jobs that citizens don't want
... although few say they are personally affected ... Do you pay less for some items or services because of low-wage illegalimmigrant labor? Yes 17% No 71%
61% said they have had some kind of contact with people they believed to be illegal immigrants
5% said they had hired someone they thought might be illegal to work around the house
14% said they had hired a contractor or company that may have used illegal immigrants
... they still want more done about it
Is the government doing enough to keep illegal immigrants from entering the U.S.? Yes 21%* No 74%
50% said all illegal immigrants should be deported, but:
76% think illegal immigrants should be able to earn citizenship
73% favor guest-worker registration for those already here
64% favor issuing temporary work visas for seasonal work

Blogger Blues

2006-02-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

I was reading a blogsite today. I got tired. I got sad. I want to blog and have an intelligent conversation. It just isn't possible at times. I get knocked down for not being "educated" enought to share my opinions on a subject. I get told I need to go get some education. Isn't that the reason that I am on the blog? Trying to gleen information...probably so. I just hate the fact I get kicked in the shins. Maybe I am to sensitive or maybe they are just mean. What are the rules to blogging? Are there any? Who knows?