I let go of my past a long time ago. I entered my Thirties determined to eek out a new life, new friends and new memories. But, sometimes going back seems like a fun idea...or so I thought.
I was invited by some old friends from my early twenties to get together. So, I thought it would be fun...pack up the kids and go. Why not? There is a lovely Inn there with private hot spring tubs and a good breakfast in the morning. I thought it would be fun to catch up with friends I hadn't talked to or seen in 8 years. As fate would have it, I didn't get up to Lava until 10:00P...Seth had a his first soccer game of the Season and it ended up being delayed by 3 hours...so we were late. When we got up there all of the adults were drunk. So, my children watched a bunch of drunks, listened to their filthy language and vulgar conversations...it was like I had just stepped into the past. These people hadn't changed since I was in my early twenties. I was uncomfortable to say the least having my children there but I tried to keep an open mind and not get upset. And really in the end we had fun for the most part.
But, after the "reunion"...I thought is this how I was so long ago? Was I so thoughtless in my partying days that I didn't even take into account the effect that if may have had on my children? Did I really think at that time that I could preach one thing and expect them to not follow my poor example? I really must have been too self-absorbed to notice or I didn't care...some of this was before Seth but a lot of this same behavior was in front of my Daughter.
I can't beat myself up over this. I can't change any of it. I can't even imagine living that lifestyle anymore. I don't remember what happened that I decided to change my life anymore except that I continue to move forward and make my life better. Sometimes going back is fun but in this case, it was a prickly reminder of why I left my past in the past.