Friday, April 21, 2006
Rinse And Repeat
So, I did't think I would survive my Lab Final. I had actually worked myself into an absolute tizzy fit over bombing this test besides it is 20% of my grade. I had been preparing for this advanced anatomy lab for some time but there was too much to learn, too much to memorize but mostly too much for my brain to handle. I had visions of not being able to complete it or standing over a cadaver bawling because I couldn't remember the name of the muscle that was tagged. I felt like my whole life was centered around this one test. I had ignored my family, my laundry, my blog and even really me. I had convinced myself that if I failed this exam that I had failed in life. How ridiculous is that? I am here to say I survived. But my mind is not done yet. I start working today on yet another test. And yes, I will work myself into another totally high anxiety situation where I will totally freak and think that I will yet again fail another test. But, this is ironic part. I never fail. I always manage to get A's. I have to say to myself? Is this some sort of sick mind game I play with myself? Is it some sort of control I must have over myself to ensure that I spend every minute I possibly can squeeze into studying? Is it yet another way to rationalize that it is okay to ignore the rest of my life for a test...Is it really worth it? Is it really something that is good my state of mind? No, it isn't. I frustrate everyone around me. I have pretty much conviced everyone that I cry wolf. And I prove it everytime I get my test back And yet, I can't or won't stop myself from absolutely worrying myself into complete exhaustion, huge headeaches and hysteria. I really don't know how to change it and I am afraid that if I do, I will fail. So, I will embark today on another journey of complete insanity in the attempt to study, cram or memorize more material so that I won't fail. It is like the instructions on a shampoo bottle...rinse and repeat.