Monday, October 23, 2006

Lack of Anything Positive

I have been self-absorbed lately. I have had exams, children and car troubles. I don't think that I have concentrated on any of it too well. At the best mediocre results in all catergories. I don't really want to be depressed and full of anxiety but my lack of self-control seems to help me slip into self-pity and ignorance. I want to pretend nothing is wrong. BUT...I have to face the facts. Things are bad. I need to take control and throw up the toxins of my life and keep going. Never give up right? Stay strong and keep trudging along. I find it ironic that I started saving money and going without a new wardrobe and extras this fall in the effort to save money for the future and now...I need a new car. I started running harder and longer in the effort to lose weight only to watch the scale go in the wrong direction...I need to go to the doctor and find out what is up...I tried to focusing on the kids only to be shut out...I have this one class left before applying for Nursing School...and I feel like throwing it all away because I feel depressed that I will never actually be able to afford to quit my job and go to Nursing School because I won't be able to afford a car payment, house payment, braces for Seth, mental healthcare for the family, food and things for my kids if I quit work and I don't want to go to school until I am 50 years old which in all seriousness that is how long it would take me to finish taking 1 class a semester. I need a new outlook and change my plans but it all seems hard to go through. I wonder why I decided to change my snag ok...two snags..still ok..three snags...anxiety...four snags...ready to quit...pathetic that I can't stand strong and keep going. All I want to do is cry.

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