I have been fighting my demons this week. I want to hate, scream and do emotional damage to one particular person in my life. It isn't right, it isn't sane and it isn't what my Dad would want but I almost can't help it. I have images in mind that play like a movie...over and over again.
I have to see my Dad's widow tomorrow. She basically never let us back into our Father's house after he died. She is an evil person not to mention she is dishonest, without integrity and greedy. She has been holding our inheritance/will items hostage for over a year. So, now after attorneys, judges, the court system and the emotional rollcoaster ride (which is by far the worst) we are finally getting a portion of it because she stole and hid the rest.
I don't want to see her because I am afraid that I will freak out. That I will just tell her mean and petulant things...like..I hate you, you are ugly, you are the biggest fraud in the world...But, then I will have to hear evil spew from her. Do I want her words to echo in my mind for who knows how long? Absolutely not.
I feel like I need to take 3 or 4 Xanax to just be in the same place as her...so I don't go off. I am emotional...and when I am angry...I act like an idiot. I say and do things that later make me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I just don't know how I am going to control myself. I really don't. I am very worried about it. And honestly, I know that my Dad would completely disapprove of that type of behavior. In the past, he made me promise that I would treat that witch with respect and treat her kindly no matter what. And I have kept that promise but I just can't help but want to lash out at her just one time. I know it is illogical but I just can't let her walk away without screaming at her.....
"YOU ARE A TOTAL BE-OTCH!!"