Friday, November 17, 2006

Fighting Demons...I don't know who will win!!

I have been fighting my demons this week. I want to hate, scream and do emotional damage to one particular person in my life. It isn't right, it isn't sane and it isn't what my Dad would want but I almost can't help it. I have images in mind that play like a movie...over and over again.

I have to see my Dad's widow tomorrow. She basically never let us back into our Father's house after he died. She is an evil person not to mention she is dishonest, without integrity and greedy. She has been holding our inheritance/will items hostage for over a year. So, now after attorneys, judges, the court system and the emotional rollcoaster ride (which is by far the worst) we are finally getting a portion of it because she stole and hid the rest.

I don't want to see her because I am afraid that I will freak out. That I will just tell her mean and petulant things...like..I hate you, you are ugly, you are the biggest fraud in the world...But, then I will have to hear evil spew from her. Do I want her words to echo in my mind for who knows how long? Absolutely not.

I feel like I need to take 3 or 4 Xanax to just be in the same place as her...so I don't go off. I am emotional...and when I am angry...I act like an idiot. I say and do things that later make me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I just don't know how I am going to control myself. I really don't. I am very worried about it. And honestly, I know that my Dad would completely disapprove of that type of behavior. In the past, he made me promise that I would treat that witch with respect and treat her kindly no matter what. And I have kept that promise but I just can't help but want to lash out at her just one time. I know it is illogical but I just can't let her walk away without screaming at her.....
"YOU ARE A TOTAL BE-OTCH!!"

4 comments:

goddess said...

I have a relationship in my life that is the exact same way. I don't fight with people because I too fight dirty. But I can't stop thinking about how good I would feel for a few minutes if I could scream and yell and be completely irrational. You're right thought. It wouldn't solve anything. You'd have to listen to what she'd say and then you'd have to look yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning, which is probably the hardest of all those things. A good friend to me not to worry about what kind of person they are and how unfair life is being to you in comparrison... it will all balance out when you are meeting your maker.

goddess said...

Who's winning you or the demons? Hope all is well in Angela's world!

Angela said...

Goddess,

Still fighting but feel stronger. Thanks for thinking of me.

NWO said...

Some demons are worth fighting, but some are best left alone to stew in their own venom. Don't wrestle the pig unless you want to get muddy; life is too short.