Friday, January 12, 2007

My Other Demon....

I have been fighting the blues now for about 2 weeks. I called in sick this week twice. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I have decided not to go to school this semester because I am too stressed out. I feel my children need more of my attention and I need more attention. I am having a hard time at work, I quit smoking for the millionth time but when the stress increases I smoke and when was it this time?? Oh about Thanksgiving Day. Sad huh? Why? Because I hadn't smoked in over 16 months!! And then to pick it up again...pathetic.

My children absolutely hate it when I smoke so I usually hide it from them and everyone else (yes, a true closet smoker) after a hectic holiday season, I quit again. I am not sure if that is why I am depressed because truly smoking is one of my favorite things to do (I abhor to admit it because I KNOW how bad it is for you).

Don't misunderstand me, I hate smoking just as much as I love it...but my health is more important to me. I think of Peter Jennings..and I know I am going to die from smoking....but just how long do I have??? I do want to prolong the inevitable for as long as I I haven't smoked since 12/29/06...the crazy thing is the psychological addiction that is the hardest! Anyway, that is my story for the day.

Can't wait to break free of these blues!

1 comment:

goddess said...

I completely understand how you can love the thing that is bad for you. In some ways it's like eating. Good luck, I'm rooting for you.