Wednesday, August 02, 2006

My Life Changing Event...August 2, 2006

You think that everything is going great in your life. You are excited about the prospects of the future. You are generally happy about life.

Then the bomb hits...You're told, I am not happy in this relationship. I don't care what you think about anything that concerns me. You have nothing going for you. You are a "f"ing c*^t. I am only here until I taken care of some things.

When did this happen? Why did this happen? Why did loving me become so hard? I thought I had it all. I am crazy in love with here I am sitting in shock and horror that I am going to be left again. I know that I can take care of children and myself. I know that I will survive this because I am a fighter. But, I can't help but wonder what it is about myself that causes people to fall out of love with me. Is it really me? Do I just pick the wrong type of men? Do I stink? I mean what is it?

It really makes me feel like crap that this man doesn't love me enough to work this out. We have only been married for year and a half. So, here I am wondering how I didn't recognize his withdrawal from me, why I didn't see the writing on the wall. Maybe, I was too busy worrying about my children, my work and school. Maybe, I just didn't give him enough. I don't know.

Loving is hard enough but to love someone so hard and so deeply...the rejection I can barely stand. It is like being hit in the head and waking up and not knowing where you are. I really thought he adored me. I really thought this was forever. I have no complaints about him. I have no understanding in this. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. My heart (the one you feel when you are happy or sad) is so hurt that it physically hurts. I just don't know what to believe or think at this point. I hate to have to end this. I don't want to start all over. But, what else is there? I am not going to stop him from leaving. I am not going to fight a one-sided arguement. I am not going to beg. I have been there and it doesn't work.

I had to get this out. I don't dare tell a soul for they will say...what did you do this time? He is such a super need to go to him and make things right. You need to change yourself for him. I AM SERIOUS...that is what everyone will say because they all love him, too. Well, we've all been duped. The story is OVER.


Xavier said...

16 months ago, my wife of 14 months asked me for a divorce and kicked me out of the house. It was the first time someone dumped me, but the magnitude!!! I was sure this was my sould-mate. Well she obviously wasn't. I still have no answer as to why. She admitted almost a year after kicking me out that she was "overwhelmed" Overwhelmed!!!? What the f*ck is that supposed to mean? And get this, she is working towards a Masters in Psychology. Her specialty, marital counseling!!!

Angela said...


Thanks for commenting. It is a crazy world out there. And I want to know what "overwhelmed" means too?

the goddess unknown said...

I really admire you. You really loved someone. You really let them in. You are right, that is something that is hard for everyone. (especially me) You didn't do anything wrong. He did. He promised to love you forever. He promised to be honest with you. He should have been the one to tell you when he felt his feelings change. However great a guy, he didn't do that, and in my book that doesn't make him great enough. The hurt will pass. It's ok to cry. It may still hurt in 10 years, but like you said you are a fighter. You can do this. You will do this. It's ok to lean on people, and those that will tell you that you did something wrong aren't worth your time. Good luck and if you need more words of encouragement. Please email.

Trizzy said...

This is my first time stopping by - and all I can say is I'm sorry.

Do NOT beat yourself up as a result of someone else's negligence. He neglected to tell you he was "not happy in this relationship"...

I don't know you, but I just spent the last 15 minutes reading over your blog. And sweetie, you deserve so much better!

I, too, am a working wife and mother in nursing school. I feel you on the "time spent" factor, but it is/was his responsibility to just be there. You're working toward the betterment of yourself for your FAMILY.

Oh my goodness...I could go on and on but I won't. Just keep your head up...this too shall pass.


saffron8675 said...

Wow... I have to say when I read your blog I am looking at a little of myself about a month ago. Early July my husband decided to leave me to try out another woman because he "was bored". I had the same feelings as you - where did this come from? why me? what did i do wrong?... those are all natural reactions. You loved him, and it's easier to blame one of your actions than to accept the fact that his love wasn't the love that was true. The fact that it came out of nowhere isn't surprising, because I look back and know that my husband was setting me up for a gentle let down for a while. He had made up his mind months ago but couldn't tell me until he shared a bed with another woman. He, too was probably sending signals, but when you love someone SO MUCH you don't pick up on them or want to accept that they're there in the first place.

I won't lie... it's going to be hard. You need to come to terms with things in your own time. You will feel extreme pain, and there will be days that you call out his name and pray to God he comes back. There will be days that you literally want to kill him for all the pain he's put you through. But, there will come a day where being away from him brings you peace. I'm sure he did some things prior to this that hurt you, or made you feel down... you may have ignored them as I did, but they still ate away at you. Once that constant hurt is gone, you will start to see that you are stronger than you ever felt possible, because you loved someone so deeply and so passionately even when they didn't deserve it. That takes courage and character.

Right now the best advice I have to you is to surround yourself with supportive friends and family. You need to talk this out, and they may be more supportive to your side than you think they will be. Talk Talk Talk until the pieces start to come together. Only then will you see why this happened, and then you can start putting it in the past.

This is coming from someone who's been there... it does get better, but cry it out when you need to! Yell and scream and throw a fit if you get mad! Just don't let him see it (don't give him the satisifaction). Stay strong and take care, you are in my thoughts....

MagicalSis said...

Oh shit girl~ this is outta left field isn't it?
My heart aches for you...I am so sorry!
Stop blaming yourself first of all.
Women always want to go to that place of not being enough or being too fucked up for these men who are often very ______.
Fill in the blank...nothing against him, but it is natural to want to blame when hurting. Also, did he really say that mean stuff to you?

I am thinking about you and appreciate your courage to express this out loud.

Holla if ya need hugs.....

I can give ya cyber ones!


NWO said...

I just landed on your blog... and all I can say is sorry. Unbelievable pain, which you will pass through and learn from. It shouldn't be so hard, but sometimes it is. Not fair.

“You know from past experiences that whenever you have been driven to the wall, or thought you were, you have extricated yourself in a way which you never would have dreamed possible had you not been put to the test. The trouble is that in your everyday life you don't go deep enough to tap the divine mind within you.” -Orson Wells